How to improve as a man – Consider the source

There are many people in the “men’s” space now. You have several female you tubers/tick tockers who give advice. Many men, on and on. Here is the thing, you have to consider the source. It’s going to be a quick post today because the point isn’t going to take a lot of articulation. Let me put it to you very succinctly, if someone doesn’t have a penis, how are they going to be able to advise you on how to manage yours? It would be like me giving a pregnant woman advice on how to handle body issues. Sure I can cite my experiences but I am not a woman the extent of my experience and ability to relate only goes so far.

taking advice from a woman on how to behave as a man isn’t a good idea. There is one major caveat to this, if you want to make THAT particular woman happy then yes adhere to her behavior parameters. Otherwise be yourself, and you will attract people (men and women) who want to hang with you. Additionally, be very careful which men you take advice from. As an example if you see me giving 20 years olds dating advice you should probably not take it very seriously. I am 52 and married.

You get the point. Look for people in similar situations that are like minded. The You Tuber with 6 mil subs isn’t going to relate to you directly. Maybe at one time he did but now? It’s unlikely. The masculinity gurus out there are good, to a degree. I mean the messages are not all that bad but for the most part if you live in a small town in Alabama and want to be a successful man, it’s probably more prudent to look for other successful men from small towns in Alabama.

Always consider the source of the information you are consuming and attempting to incorporate. The single best way to get better as a man is to look inward and make self-improvements. Hygiene, physical appearance, income, these are a few things that inspire positive emotions within you and flow outward that then attract positive outcomes. As the wise Jordan Peterson said “If you can’t even clean up your own room, who the hell are you to give advice to the world?” 

It’s a metaphor, the “room” is really any subject. Always consider the source.

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How to be a better man – Answering one of the biggest questions for single men.

I am married 20+ years so you need to consider that as you read on and I give you, a single man this advice. Also keep in mind when I write posts about improving as a man it is based on my perspective as a heterosexual male. It doesn’t mean that this advice isn’t applicable to non-heterosexuals or females but it’s important to get these caveats out of the way first so you have a clear understanding where I am coming from.

I am not a fan of hardcore MGTOW. I think to be completely MGTOW requires you to remove women from your life completely and that’s a mistake. MGTOW light? I think that’s the way to go, which means simply treat women with respect and complete honesty and DEMAND the same in return. That said I see a reoccurring theme out there in the online world. I see women talking about it and men. So what is this one “biggest questions for single men?”

“Should I date single mothers?”

There are all sorts of stereotypes that come with being a parent, and even more if you are a single parent. This blog post is meant to deal with the single man and how they should approach this extremely important question. The quick answer is yes you should. Being a single parent doesn’t mean you are a bad person so let’s get that out of the way. The question becomes for you, “why are you dating a single mother?”

Do you just want to hook up? Do you love the fact she is a mother? Do you like kids?

It’s a big question because no matter how you look at the issue your decision affects a child. Thus a good man considers his motivations prior to getting to deep with a single mom. If you hurt her it has a residual effect on a child. There are all sorts of people in this world, there are plenty of single moms who want to hook up and aren’t looking for relationships and that’s cool. There are many who are looking to land a man to help them provide for themselves and their child. That’s understandable and a natural instinct. You shouldn’t penalize a woman for wanting someone to help them care for their children, that’s a common sense play.

Kids need consistent role models

The way in which they may obtain that in some cases might be suspect but the instinct is natural. Most of that really doesn’t matter though, because you are the one in control here. The allure of sex is potent, many men have fallen for it and with it all the residual baggage. Every one of those mothers are women, they want to be special to someone too it’s not solely about “I have to get some guy on the hook to secure this child”.

That said you also have to be honest, that child is not yours. Be very clear here and do not kid yourself. You may love the mom and love the kid, but it isn’t your child that means you will always have an outside influence into your most intimate relationship. Maybe the Ex is still in the picture? Maybe the grand parents still have input? Maybe her siblings measure you against the ex?

It’s an additional dynamic to an already complex relationship. Making relationships work with the opposite sex is hard enough. Add in someone else’s child and you are making that complexity much more prevalent. If she is a good mom, that child will always come before you and you have to understand and accept that. So again, yes you should date single mothers but be very clear going in what you expect, what you want and that she has someone else in her life that will always be a higher priority then you. If that isn’t something you want to deal with that’s cool, you aren’t a bad guy for being honest about that. If though you go in for the score and then bail, and that wasn’t clear to her you are damaging her and by extension the child. Don’t be that guy, hook ups are fine if everyone is on the same page with their expectations. With single mom’s you have to go the extra distance to be very clear what you want and what you need and make sure you both are in alignment.

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How to be a better man – A Dad Lesson

In this series of posts I write about how to be a better man. Not every man will or is a dad and that’s fine. Many of you are or will be and there are a couple of hard realities that you have to accept when you become a dad. The first one is there is a new metric by which you are measured, the dad metric. Now everyone in your life has a father, and as a new father you are going to be measured against their father experience.

It’s an unrealistic unfair measure but its reality you are going to have to deal with it. The hardest thing to do? Is not let it flavor how you parent. You are a sum of your experiences. Parenting is a learned skill that millions (billion) before you have gotten through and there is no perfect path. Put down the parenting books, stop listening to “how hard” it is talks you get from other parents and let go of what other men are doing as a reflection on you.

Just show up and be present.

No matter how hard, how easy, how bad you do or how well you do just keep showing up. Being present means putting the phone away, keeping distractions at a minimum, keeping work at work. No matter what you do someone will be there to critique you and often it will be your spouse who takes shots at you that cut deep. While those can hurt, you have to move past that as well. Quick aside, many relationships become toxic once a child is born because expectations change. Have many conversations on your values first before ever bringing a child into the world.

How to move mountains
Sometimes a Mountain is a Mole Hill

10 years goes by fast, before you know it 20 have gone. What you are doing now when the child is 2, 6, 13 is critical because this is how they bond with you personally but also how they shape their view of fathers as they enter adult life. Even if you screwed everything up, you were always present you were trying. Believe me they will know this. The value of being there for children is immense. They are going to find their way in life, you did.

The key here is don’t get to absorbed into the expectations of others. The judgement of others or comparisons and yes that includes your spouse and immediate close family. Just keep showing up and being present and if you are still getting critiqued it generally means they have an issue with you not necessarily your parenting style. Now to be clear this is a license to be an A-Hole. Do the right thing, be a good person, be kind. No one should have to spell that out for you but one of the things dads don’t here often is “Thank you for always being there”.

Don’t miss recitals, don’t miss games, don’t miss family events, don’t work late constantly, don’t spend a lot of time away from home. Be present in that child’s life as much as you can, before you know it they will be old enough not to need you as much and you will have plenty of time to do your own thing.

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Surviving 2020 & covid

How to be a better man – 3 quick things you can do

Being a better man is subjective. It may be that you feel you are fine the way you are and that is great. If that is the case, thanks for coming by you don’t really need to read further. Looking for a few more pieces of wisdom to help on the journey? Read on. Below are 3 things you can do quickly that will indirectly help you be a better man.

  1. Drink less alcohol: Notice I am not saying quit booze, I’m saying drink less. The less you consume the higher chances you have of not having a negative outcome from alcohol consumption. Alcohol is fine for adults, a buzz from time to time is socially acceptable, helps reduce inhibitions and can really be fun as hell. On the flip side it can also lead to being drunk, black outs, DUI’s, obnoxious behavior and all sorts of other negative consequences.
  2. Watch less Porn: Notice I am not saying quit it all together. Let’s not B.S. one another here, millions, tens of millions, hundreds of millions of people (mostly men) have watched porn at some point in their lives. Masturbation and fantasy are fine, when tempered with the knowledge that Porn can alter the way you perceive women. It’s okay to desire women sexually, to want them to fulfill your sexual fantasies. That’s a normal healthy thing. Its unhealthy to transfer those desires to expectations. This distorts the relationship often leading to resentment on both sides. Be honest about your sexual desires and find a partner who you feel fills that need for you. They aren’t objects, or actress, they are women who love you and want you to be happy. Less porn = more realistic sexual relationships.
  3. Narrow the friend pool: We all have friends that are bone heads. They do dumb shit, are goof’s or are just bad influence all around. It’s okay to hang with the boys, blow off some steam and just be men but be honest about your crew. The older we get the more skin we have in the game of life and dumb mistakes get more painful. “Knuckle head Joe” maybe funny as hell since college but if you have a pregnant wife, a 5-year-old and a decent career it might be time to cut back on “joe time”. You know where I am going here, you know who the guy is in your circle. No need to be cruel about it, just start cutting back.
If you don’t ask the question, the default answer is no.

As a mini disclaimer I am a heterosexual male, my advice is always geared toward like-minded people. I don’t profess to have knowledge of homosexuals, bi sexual and everything in between. If these pieces of advice are applicable I will leave that to you. Remember the spirit in which these posts are made, to share wisdom and help improve men. They are not intended to all audiences, if you chose to consume the content and assume nefarious intent, you own that.

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How to be a good Husband, Boyfriend, Man – 1 critical tip

While the title might be targeted toward my male readers this tip is actually most useful for females, or other males, who need to gauge a man in their life. I don’t care what your sexuality is, what you identify as or how you view relationships. I can say that that this one critical tip can be applied to anyone really but as I am male, a husband and have been a boyfriend that’s what I can speak to with a great deal of experience.

The Tip? Be honest, be direct, be kind.

“Karac that’s three things” Its three concepts but it’s one tip. When you talk to people, particularly your partners with whom you maintain an intimate relationship with you need to evoke these concepts as universally as possible. We see all over the web people being “direct” now, behind their VPN’s and made up names. What about in the real world? How about when you are in the car driving home from a movie and you are asked “do you think she is prettier than I am?”

That happens, so how do you answer it? Particularly if you do in fact think she was.

Be honest “Prettier? Yes, she’s beautiful”

Be direct “Prettier? Yes, she’s beautiful” this is both honest and direct

Be Kind “Prettier? Yes, she’s beautiful, just like you” this is all three

The person asking likely knows the woman is prettier, the movie star has a team doing her make-up and hair for the filming…. Questions like these are integrity tests really. What if you said “no you are way better looking than she is”? You are sending the clear message that you are willing to lie to make someone feel good, even when you both know it’s a lie. The damage of doing this is hard to measure in the short term but over time it is crippling.

Lies are not an option

Look at it this way, if a woman knows you will lie to her to make her feel better how can she ever respect you? Women, in my experience, want their partners to be honest. It’s one of the most important traits they look for in a good man even if, sometimes, that honesty hurts. I can’t speak to how other non-heterosexual relationships work but I don’t think I am going out on a limb here when I say everyone desires honesty.

Honesty allows for deeper intimate relationships. Without it, the lines of what is or is not truth become blurred and it’s a never ending game of trying to keep up the appearance of a reality that’s based half-truths. Eventually words stop having impact “you look great” you might say to her. Do you mean it? Does she think you mean it? Being honest, direct and kind is challenging. You will have relationships that crumble because of it because there are many people out there who don’t want honesty, they want an illusion of honesty to fit the narrative they have created in their mind.

In the end, your most successful relationships will be with people whom you can be honest with. Who can be honest with you and can do so directly and with kindness. This takes time to hone as a skill, I am not suggesting you share your honest feelings about every little thing that comes up. If you are asked though? Yes, you must. You will begin to build the foundations of a relationship that can start to employ trust through your ability to be honest, direct and kind.

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5 Tips to being a great husband

I read all over the web about MGTOW, and how marriage rates are down. This post isn’t advocating for marriage, relationships etc., you do you. This post is for the men out there who have already decided to make the commitment to marriage. Yes, it is a legally binding contract, yes a valid argument can be made that marriage has minimal benefits (legally) for men. I’m not going to dispute that or debate it here. I am going to impart to you 5 things you can do to be a great husband.

  1. Fix things: I know this sounds ridiculous and or perhaps antiquated. That said if there is something around the house (A loose door knob, a squeaky door) fix it. Not handy? No problem, You Tube is full of how to videos. I just replaced the toilet in my house, I followed a you tube vid worked out well. Your spouse will love this and the most important factor to this tip being successful is you taking the initiative to do it, not being asked.
  2. Conduct yourself honorably: I know another antiquated notion. Here’s the thing, you got the girl but why? Let me guess you think it’s your magic penis right? It isn’t (most likely) it’s more likely you got the girl because of your ethics and moral compass. Women are like men in this sense, they love physical attraction. Unlike men, women use other metrics to gauge if you are a compatible long term partner. Your ethics and morals are paramount because what she will see is how you model each to others and specifically children. There is no greater “hook” for a long term relationship with a woman then to confirm to her you will be an excellent role model for your children.
  3. Respect: This should go without saying but what does it mean really? This goes for anyone really but respect, once earned, should be freely given. Simply put, your contributions to a household are no more important (or less) then your spouses. You may value things differently, but you have to respect each other’s values and contributions equally. As an example, if the house is dusty and you don’t really care but your wife does dismissal is a nonstarter. I’m not saying jump up and dust but devaluing what is important to others or trying to one up it, begins the long road of resentment and that leads to all sorts of bad outcomes.
  4. You have to clean: I know this is a horrible revelation. I hate cleaning, I truly do but you want to be a great husband? You’ll clean. I don’t mean you exclusively, I’m not talking about a maid service but you do have to wipe counters, you do have to sweep the floor, you do have to clean the toilet. Every time? No of course not. Regularly? Yes. A house is like a small business and everyone has a role to play. Maybe your role is yard work, okay fine but cleanliness is critical and you have to do it. Don’t be taken advantage of here, but engage more and just do it.
  5. Maintain great hygiene: This is probably the one on the list that seems the most ridiculous. Do you remember before you got married the hygiene regimen you went through? I bet you’re not doing that now are you? That doesn’t mean bathe in cologne every morning but it does mean hands clean, teeth cleaned regularly, keeping the bush trimmed, nose hairs clean, hair cut fresh, clothes changed daily and laundered. I know all this sounds ridiculous but let me tell you something…. You maintain a robust hygiene regimen and women will notice you. Your wife will not only notice so wont her friends and your female relatives. I can’t tell you how impactful, putting forth effort to looking good will have in your life and relationships, yes even 20+ years in.

None of these are full proof. None of these may work at all or one of them might make all the difference in the world. Your spouse should be putting forth effort as well and as you start to work on yourself and these items you will see clearly if that effort is there. You should talk about it, work on it but never accuse or assail… You take care of your poop first and things often have a way of going in a positive direction.

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