How to be a better man – The real secret (are you a beta, alpha or????? )

What label have you accepted? I bet you’re loathe to say you are a beta aren’t you? Maybe you are walking around telling everyone you are an Alpha male, which obviously that’s what Alpha males do….. Maybe you are an Omega? A Gamma? A label allows you to be classified simply, marketed too, sorted out and identified. These labels/titles are social constructs created by others to better identify your behaviors so you can be categorized.

You can try and identify these labels and emulate them. Who knows, maybe in your mind you will achieve the ideal for one of these labels. Maybe you will truly become an ALPHA MALE!!!! Make sure you tell everyone. Maybe, just maybe you can be yourself. You know some days you might be completely alpha some days you might be beta and everywhere in between.

It’s kind of like politics, are you 100% one way? Do you maybe believe that a woman has a right to determine what happens with her body but on the other hand don’t think government should be involved in financing social programs? Life isn’t black and white and neither is being a man. So what does all this mean? You see there has been a schism in the social order that governed society for thousands of years. Traditional male and female roles have converged and diverged and as a result you have to find where your place is on your own terms.

That place is where you want it. See we are at a place in the social construct of complete freedom for men. It’s fantastic that women have become liberated, they can be politicians, anything. Let them go fight wars now. Take out the trash? They can do that. Change the oil in the car? Go for It. The freedom of women and their liberation is the best thing to happen to men in a long, long time. You never have to accept inequality again. You see it works both ways, well it should but there are many out there who want their cake and eat it too.

A thick skin makes you stronger then 99% of “Alpha Males”

Don’t allow that anymore. You decide who you are. You want a label great, don’t want one that’s cool too. Always demand equality and if you don’t get it you need to remove those people from your life ASAP. It’s okay to like whatever you like. Paint your nails, wear dresses, put on makeup…. Or grow a beard, swill beer, swear. Everything is wide open now. Pick whatever label you want and within it create the name YOU want it to be.

If members of the opposite sex don’t like it and want you to change, move on from them. Because here is the real secret and it’s the one that has scared the shit out of men and women alike. You don’t need a woman to be happy, a woman doesn’t need a man to be happy. The catch is most men from a young age are conditioned not to expect emotional support or to be needed. Girls are protected far more, there are 1-800 numbers for any issue a woman might have, seen one for men lately? Women in western culture are placed in a different light from a young age, and with that comes unfair expectations on them I concede that. For a man? Expectations have never been lower. Not the bread winner? That’s acceptable. Dad bod and not athletic? That’s acceptable. On and on…

This is your chance, you can now be whatever you want however you want to frame it. Western society has created an equality narrative, and with it comes good and bad outcomes. Most of the negative outcomes here are for females, they now have even higher expectations placed on them than ever before where their male counterparts have been reduced. The phrase “careful what you wish for” comes to mind but equality of opportunity doesn’t always translate to equality of outcomes.

Social expectations and thousands of years of an accepted social construct don’t evaporate overnight. Women will still be judged on their appearance (by other women often), their ability to run a house, be a mother and now their ability to earn an income and excel professionally. They have all the pressure. Men are not held in high regard at all. This is great for you if you are a man, you now have more freedom than ever before. Relieved of the burdens of expectations you can build the life and strength you want and genuinely attract those who like you for who you are, not who they expect you to be or some arbitrary title.

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Dressing to feel good !

How to be a better man – Answering one of the biggest questions for single men.

I am married 20+ years so you need to consider that as you read on and I give you, a single man this advice. Also keep in mind when I write posts about improving as a man it is based on my perspective as a heterosexual male. It doesn’t mean that this advice isn’t applicable to non-heterosexuals or females but it’s important to get these caveats out of the way first so you have a clear understanding where I am coming from.

I am not a fan of hardcore MGTOW. I think to be completely MGTOW requires you to remove women from your life completely and that’s a mistake. MGTOW light? I think that’s the way to go, which means simply treat women with respect and complete honesty and DEMAND the same in return. That said I see a reoccurring theme out there in the online world. I see women talking about it and men. So what is this one “biggest questions for single men?”

“Should I date single mothers?”

There are all sorts of stereotypes that come with being a parent, and even more if you are a single parent. This blog post is meant to deal with the single man and how they should approach this extremely important question. The quick answer is yes you should. Being a single parent doesn’t mean you are a bad person so let’s get that out of the way. The question becomes for you, “why are you dating a single mother?”

Do you just want to hook up? Do you love the fact she is a mother? Do you like kids?

It’s a big question because no matter how you look at the issue your decision affects a child. Thus a good man considers his motivations prior to getting to deep with a single mom. If you hurt her it has a residual effect on a child. There are all sorts of people in this world, there are plenty of single moms who want to hook up and aren’t looking for relationships and that’s cool. There are many who are looking to land a man to help them provide for themselves and their child. That’s understandable and a natural instinct. You shouldn’t penalize a woman for wanting someone to help them care for their children, that’s a common sense play.

Kids need consistent role models

The way in which they may obtain that in some cases might be suspect but the instinct is natural. Most of that really doesn’t matter though, because you are the one in control here. The allure of sex is potent, many men have fallen for it and with it all the residual baggage. Every one of those mothers are women, they want to be special to someone too it’s not solely about “I have to get some guy on the hook to secure this child”.

That said you also have to be honest, that child is not yours. Be very clear here and do not kid yourself. You may love the mom and love the kid, but it isn’t your child that means you will always have an outside influence into your most intimate relationship. Maybe the Ex is still in the picture? Maybe the grand parents still have input? Maybe her siblings measure you against the ex?

It’s an additional dynamic to an already complex relationship. Making relationships work with the opposite sex is hard enough. Add in someone else’s child and you are making that complexity much more prevalent. If she is a good mom, that child will always come before you and you have to understand and accept that. So again, yes you should date single mothers but be very clear going in what you expect, what you want and that she has someone else in her life that will always be a higher priority then you. If that isn’t something you want to deal with that’s cool, you aren’t a bad guy for being honest about that. If though you go in for the score and then bail, and that wasn’t clear to her you are damaging her and by extension the child. Don’t be that guy, hook ups are fine if everyone is on the same page with their expectations. With single mom’s you have to go the extra distance to be very clear what you want and what you need and make sure you both are in alignment.

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How to be a better man – A Dad Lesson

In this series of posts I write about how to be a better man. Not every man will or is a dad and that’s fine. Many of you are or will be and there are a couple of hard realities that you have to accept when you become a dad. The first one is there is a new metric by which you are measured, the dad metric. Now everyone in your life has a father, and as a new father you are going to be measured against their father experience.

It’s an unrealistic unfair measure but its reality you are going to have to deal with it. The hardest thing to do? Is not let it flavor how you parent. You are a sum of your experiences. Parenting is a learned skill that millions (billion) before you have gotten through and there is no perfect path. Put down the parenting books, stop listening to “how hard” it is talks you get from other parents and let go of what other men are doing as a reflection on you.

Just show up and be present.

No matter how hard, how easy, how bad you do or how well you do just keep showing up. Being present means putting the phone away, keeping distractions at a minimum, keeping work at work. No matter what you do someone will be there to critique you and often it will be your spouse who takes shots at you that cut deep. While those can hurt, you have to move past that as well. Quick aside, many relationships become toxic once a child is born because expectations change. Have many conversations on your values first before ever bringing a child into the world.

How to move mountains
Sometimes a Mountain is a Mole Hill

10 years goes by fast, before you know it 20 have gone. What you are doing now when the child is 2, 6, 13 is critical because this is how they bond with you personally but also how they shape their view of fathers as they enter adult life. Even if you screwed everything up, you were always present you were trying. Believe me they will know this. The value of being there for children is immense. They are going to find their way in life, you did.

The key here is don’t get to absorbed into the expectations of others. The judgement of others or comparisons and yes that includes your spouse and immediate close family. Just keep showing up and being present and if you are still getting critiqued it generally means they have an issue with you not necessarily your parenting style. Now to be clear this is a license to be an A-Hole. Do the right thing, be a good person, be kind. No one should have to spell that out for you but one of the things dads don’t here often is “Thank you for always being there”.

Don’t miss recitals, don’t miss games, don’t miss family events, don’t work late constantly, don’t spend a lot of time away from home. Be present in that child’s life as much as you can, before you know it they will be old enough not to need you as much and you will have plenty of time to do your own thing.

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Surviving 2020 & covid

How to be a better man – 3 quick things you can do

Being a better man is subjective. It may be that you feel you are fine the way you are and that is great. If that is the case, thanks for coming by you don’t really need to read further. Looking for a few more pieces of wisdom to help on the journey? Read on. Below are 3 things you can do quickly that will indirectly help you be a better man.

  1. Drink less alcohol: Notice I am not saying quit booze, I’m saying drink less. The less you consume the higher chances you have of not having a negative outcome from alcohol consumption. Alcohol is fine for adults, a buzz from time to time is socially acceptable, helps reduce inhibitions and can really be fun as hell. On the flip side it can also lead to being drunk, black outs, DUI’s, obnoxious behavior and all sorts of other negative consequences.
  2. Watch less Porn: Notice I am not saying quit it all together. Let’s not B.S. one another here, millions, tens of millions, hundreds of millions of people (mostly men) have watched porn at some point in their lives. Masturbation and fantasy are fine, when tempered with the knowledge that Porn can alter the way you perceive women. It’s okay to desire women sexually, to want them to fulfill your sexual fantasies. That’s a normal healthy thing. Its unhealthy to transfer those desires to expectations. This distorts the relationship often leading to resentment on both sides. Be honest about your sexual desires and find a partner who you feel fills that need for you. They aren’t objects, or actress, they are women who love you and want you to be happy. Less porn = more realistic sexual relationships.
  3. Narrow the friend pool: We all have friends that are bone heads. They do dumb shit, are goof’s or are just bad influence all around. It’s okay to hang with the boys, blow off some steam and just be men but be honest about your crew. The older we get the more skin we have in the game of life and dumb mistakes get more painful. “Knuckle head Joe” maybe funny as hell since college but if you have a pregnant wife, a 5-year-old and a decent career it might be time to cut back on “joe time”. You know where I am going here, you know who the guy is in your circle. No need to be cruel about it, just start cutting back.
If you don’t ask the question, the default answer is no.

As a mini disclaimer I am a heterosexual male, my advice is always geared toward like-minded people. I don’t profess to have knowledge of homosexuals, bi sexual and everything in between. If these pieces of advice are applicable I will leave that to you. Remember the spirit in which these posts are made, to share wisdom and help improve men. They are not intended to all audiences, if you chose to consume the content and assume nefarious intent, you own that.

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Dressing to feel good !

How to improve as a man – 3 must haves by 30

Many of the posts I do on this topic pertain to relationships. To be clear, I am a heterosexual male so my experience and desires are focused exclusively toward females. I think its paramount for all of us to be honest about our nature and to embrace it. As long as we are not harming other people it’s all good. Relationships aside, improving at any stage of life makes you more attractive. Static and stuck people are rarely sought after, in nearly all aspects of life. For men, 30 is an important year it’s when you are truly entering your prime.

Don’t be fooled by articles that tell you a man’s prime is when he is in his 20’s because his testosterone is at its peak. That’s physical prime, and that’s important but the complete package? You aren’t there yet in your 20’s. By the time you are 30 you should be entering the best years of your life. This includes attracting good partners, income increasing, physical well-being, and mental health. Below is a list of 3 things you must have by 30.

  1. Have a career: I know that’s general but let me clarify. By 30 you should have your certifications and degrees. You should have a few years (or more) experience in your chosen profession. You should have a professional network. You should have a clear understanding of what your income potential should be. By 30 years old your career should be starting to blossom. You shouldn’t be vacillating anymore on what you want to do, from 30-50 you should be doing it and growing your wealth.
  2. Have a health regimen: This doesn’t just mean going to the gym, but that is part of it. You should have a workout schedule. You should have sleep discipline (going to bed and awaking at the same times consistently) you should have a grooming routine (teeth, skin, beard, hair) that is daily, weekly and monthly. More on this…. Getting a haircut shouldn’t be “wow things look straggly need to get a trim” you should be on a once a month (or sooner) schedule so your hair always looks good.
  3. Have Relationship clarity: By 30 you should understand what you want. MGTOW? Fine. Marriage? Okay. There shouldn’t be any more games mentally. Simply put, it’s okay to date a lot but the game is over. Meaning you don’t have to fool anyone anymore, if dating is all you want from a partner you don’t have to hide it and should be upfront about it. This leads to consensual EMOTIONAL relationships which is key for successful men. You don’t want the drama, if you want marriage cool. If you don’t, be clear let the other person decide if THEY want to continue.
Squats
Men should never skip leg day.

If you have these things by 30 you are going to have a great decade. You should be making decent money, you are experienced, confident you’ve been around a little you are not some dumb kid in his 20’s anymore. This will attract more positive outcomes for you and it’s something that you should be working towards regardless of where you are in life. Maybe your 20’s was a mess and now at 32 you are thinking “where the hell am I going to be in 10 years?” Do these 3 things and set yourself up for a glorious 4th decade. For me 30-50 was the best years of my life.

My teen years were fun but I made so many bad choices. Now at 51 I am planning retirement and will have no problem achieving it because in my 30’s I buckled down, got my shit together and became a better man.

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Leif Erikson

The 5-hour rule – Improving as a Man

Once again I am going to give some advice on how to improve as a man. This is based on my life experience, what I have read along the way etc. The good news is, improving benefits all aspects of your life. As a Son, a brother, a husband, a dad or just a single male getting through life. I am positive that these are not exclusive to males, I simply can’t comment on a woman’s perspective even though I have a mother, daughter and wife I am not female.

What is the 5-hour rule? You can google it if you want but the core concept is you take 5 hours a week, 1 hour a day Monday – Friday and focus on something you want to get better at. What does “focus” mean? It means reading about the subject, practicing the subject, researching more about the subject. The subject can be anything, archery, car repair, public speaking.

What this does is allows you to make progress on things you deem important. This is time you get to spend on something you want, something you hold important. This is meant to be an individual enterprise it’s not supposed to be shared. You can tell people about it if you want but the most important thing here is, you identified something you want to get better at and are devoting time to improving.

Be like water….

The people in your life will see this, it’s a positive as it illustrates your discipline and your commitment to something you think is important. This will benefit you in more ways than just becoming better at the task, your confidence will rise you will notice other people view you differently. The 5-hour rule is something fairly straight forward to implement. I used something similar when I first got into finance. Not college I mean an actual job where job skills were important but nuances like dealing with coworkers and bosses expectations aren’t covered in the college lectures.

I spent time every night before bed making sure I understood what was important for me to do the next day. Sure some of that was anxiety driven but for the most part it was in an effort to be more prepared and better able to excel. It worked for me and over the years I have implemented my variation of the 5-hour rule to great effect. Maybe it can work for you too.

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