Tag: marriage

How to be a better man: Passport wife?

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So in my series on how to be a better man I cover a lot of subjects, this one might be the most controversial but it will take me the least amount of time to cover. So as a disclaimer let me be clear, the “how to be a better man” posts on my blog are meant for heterosexual men. I can’t speak to other genders or sexualities specifically as I am a heterosexual male. This advice may or may not apply to you, only you can decide.

So many men in the west complain about women (and vice versa) specifically about the cultural change that has happened in the last 50 years. Women are more empowered sexually, in the work place and in just about every aspect of society. I’m not going to quibble on if it’s enough etc., but things have changed and largely for the better.

Not according to some men. They want a “traditional” relationship where gender roles are clearly established based on traditional western societal norms. We first have to acknowledge and accept that things have changed. In marriage things have shifted a great deal actually, one only has to look at outcomes for men in divorce to see it clearly. Not to mention the societal shift in valuation of men in comparison to women.

Shared values is paramount to long term happiness.

I’m not going to go in depth on those aspects of the narrative. I am going to speak about what you want and specifically how to obtain it. Passport wives has become a new phenomenon in the modern male movement as there is this belief that women in other cultures are more apt to accept a traditional female role in a relationship. That might be true, the evidence suggests it is but I can’t say that unequivocally myself.

What I can say is to the men directly – be clear on your expectations, be reasonable and do not settle. Now if you want a traditional relationship that’s fine. Who cares where the woman is from if you both share the same values and desired outcome? We are talking about a marriage, go look the word up it, it is a legally or morally formed union. You are uniting as one, so other than children this is the most significant relationship you will ever have in your life.

Marriage has an extreme effect on your personal wellbeing along with all of the legalities that form around shared property within the current legal system. So a “passport wife” is fine if that’s what you want, but don’t kid yourself that finding someone from say Albania is going to magically negate the realities and legalities of marriage. You have to find someone who you share the same values as, they can be anywhere.

The key for you is vetting this person. Live with them, experience them and really pay close attention to how they represent themselves (and you) to other people. In the end there is no full proof method to selecting a marriage partner. Cultural differences are a thing, I’m not denying that but you can go half way across the world and still find a bad person. Be careful about marriage, for a man it’s the biggest commitment you will ever make.

Western culture has changed; the social construct has built in many safeguards to protect women. Some might be over zealous, fine, others are spot on. Regardless of where your potential spouse was born, its where you chose to marry, and under those laws that is of the outmost importance. This assumes of course you did your diligence and you have shared values to begin with…

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How to be a better man: The “mid-term” relationship test

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So another post in my better man series, this one is for all the guys that are in a mid-term relationship (I say between 6 months to 2 years). You are committed to one another as exclusive (most likely) and are basically figuring out if this is going to be a long term play. Before I map out this test for you a quick disclaimer: My how to be a better man posts are meant for heterosexual men. This may or may not work for other sexualities, I don’t know. This isn’t meant to offend, it’s my opinion and hopefully it helps men navigate the trials of improving themselves.

So you have been together just over a year your GF is great you are in love and so is she. The “Test” is a rhetorical question but her actions after the question is posed is what is going to tip you off on where you really stand with this woman. At some point she is going to want to go out with her girlfriends, to a club, a show, some public place. No problem that’s fine you aren’t married but ask her this question.

“Would you be okay if your long term boyfriend went out with a group of friends, and that night women, some better looking than you bought him drinks, flirted with him and were ready to have sex with him even if he told them he was in a long term committed relationship?”

When she goes out with the girl’s how is does she look?

Now a smart woman is going to say no of course not. We know when groups of women go out, men flirt, buy them drinks etc. and we know why. Women like the attention, I get it and it doesn’t mean they are cheaters but do they ever imagine if the roles were reversed how they would feel?

Now the test: Did she go out with her friends anyway after you gave her that scenario? Did she invite you to go with them? If she went out anyway and didn’t invite you? That’s a red flag bud, the night she is out, ask yourself the test question and insert GF, instead of BF. How you feeling? If she went out anyway, I would encourage you to take a hard look at behaviors and decide very quickly if she is your long term play.

I’m not saying she is cheating, I’m not saying she is a bad person, I’m not saying you are a simp, but again, how you feeling?

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How to be a better man – Advice for females

Posted on by Karac Avalron

I am going to go out on a limb here, or more accurately stick my neck out and offer advice to females who want to keep a man. I know, this will all sound very crude, welcome to the male mind. In the context of relationships simple is better for us but it’s never simple is it? So what is this advice that will make everything simple and easy for our female friends? It covers two areas’ that if conquered serve the basic male want from a female.

Now in today’s culture this might be taboo. It’s not just feminists who are uninterested and in some cases hostile toward men’s wants but it is also a growing and vocal men’s movement, MGTOW that is no longer interested in the subject all together. You see we have come to this odd place of having equity promoted so much, no one knows what to do when they desire an unequitable situation. I know *GASP* someone actually said it.

In fact, there are times in relationships where men and women do not want things to be equitable. They do in fact want their partner to do something regularly so they don’t have too. Keep in mind this is mainly for heterosexual couples. I can’t speak to homosexuality, BI, LGBTQ I don’t have a good point of reference and intimate knowledge. For heterosexual males that WANT to be in a relationship the wisdom I am going to give you below is for the most part true. It’s a secret weapon for any female IF they want to be in a long term relationship with said man. 

“A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. A way to a man’s mind is through his penis”

Happy wife happy life? It works both ways.

I know its crude but it’s true. Remember the first part “stomach” means more than just cooking for him it means caring for him and giving him food is part of that. Its very primal but every male uses their first female relationship as a gauge to the rest of their relationships with women (to a degree) all of their lives. That first relationship is with their mother, there is no use in quibbling about it you aren’t going to change it.

The later “a man’s mind” is more nuanced. Men are bombarded with all sorts of expectations and new signaling that they have no historical reference for. Simply put, men today cannot operate as they have for thousands of years. This is new territory for all of us and if you want to KEEP a man you have to help him navigate this. Part of that is through understanding his sexual motivations. Most men view sex as a power exchange, that is the intimacy for them. You can rail against this notion as long as you want, you may suppress it in your man for a while but he won’t happy and will stray.

Penis, in the quote is also representative of how you want him to treat you. Men will treat you the way you want, IF you reciprocate. Men are fairly compliant, if you ask them to do something and it is reasonable they will do it. Not because they want too, but because they know you will fulfill for them their needs. The availability of sex has never been higher than it is now. This is a problem for men and women.

Mostly women, as nearly anyone can get on an app and find a hook up. Its low hanging fruit for a man to do this, but it’s simple, easy. Most men would rather be with a woman where this is never necessary. Why go to the well if you aren’t thirsty? Many men are pigs, you will never help them and you know who they are. Most men are not though, most men are normal. They have wants and needs like you do, theirs aren’t as nuanced. They want to be respected and looked at as powerful, they want sex and they want you to desire to give them both. That’s the trick, if you can do that you’ll hold that man.

Remember this is my opinion, this isn’t a universal truth you might have zero success with this approach but winning “hearts and minds” is how you win relationships. You want men to give a shit about you, to care what you think how you feel. No man is going to if you don’t do the same for him….

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How to improve as a man – MGTOW Light

Posted on by Karac Avalron

MGTOW (Men go their own way) is one of the new popular social movements born from several social dynamics. I am not here to say it’s good or bad, I think everyone has to make the best choice for them. I do understand why some men do this and they have legit reasonable rationales for doing so. Like most things in life the best solution is usually somewhere in the middle.

MGTOW has been ascribed a narrative of being anti-feminist, misogynistic and void of all female contact. Of course the definitions run the gambit but the main stream narrative has painted MGTOW in a negative light. I think writing off all females is ridiculous, but I think many modern men are doing MGTOW light. Essentially what that means is now making themselves the priority not the attainment of approval or attention of females.

Keep in mind this is written from a heterosexual point of view. I can’t comment on Bi or Homosexual tendencies, I am neither and while I do have people in my life who are both I can’t intelligently speak on either in a meaningful way. I can say though that MGTOW light is a positive outcome for everyone. Strong men are good things for society. Not physically strong but mentally and emotionally.

Now that isn’t to say you can’t achieve both with females in your life but its far better to achieve both PRIOR to have females a large part of your life. I believe in marriage, I am married. I believe in committing to one partner for the long term. Maybe you don’t and that’s okay. It’s also okay for you to focus on your health, your wealth and overall wellbeing as a man and making it your top priority.

Always treat people the way you want to be treated.

It’s okay to date several women, as long as you are upfront about it. There is no need to lie, you don’t have to lead anyone on. Women have more power and opportunity now than ever before and it’s a good thing. They can choose if they want to be involved with you or not. They get to decide what is important for them and if you fulfil it or not. The key to MGTOW light is be extremely clear and candid with women.

If your goals and priorities don’t line up, that’s okay. You don’t have to change for them, and they don’t have to change for you. You might choose to, or they may choose to and that’s okay. Gone are the days where we have to act, lie, woo and or court the opposite sex. We are equal now right? Let them do that, and if they don’t want too? That’s cool too.

Not having females in your life is a huge mistake. Its way beyond sexual, although for me that is important, they bring value and perspective to many situations we otherwise wouldn’t have. The problem with MGTOW is you are eliminating valuable people from your life. As the old saying goes “don’t throw out the baby with the bath water” There are plenty of great women who genuinely like men and want good relationships. They are out there if you look. There are also horrible women who treat men like crap in every way. You have to decide if it’s worth it or not.

In the end focus on improving as a man and often what you find is you attract like-minded people. You put “I hate women” vibes into the world you get “I hate men” vibes back. Put out good vibes, positive vibes, honest and upfront vibes and you might be surprised as to what you get back…

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How I helped create a survival fund for “her”

Posted on by Karac Avalron

This is a story from my personal history, I will not name names or give too much specific detail. Before I go too far into the post, I want to say clearly if you know someone who is being abused help them. Don’t shrug it off, or bury it, even if it’s an acquaintance.

At one point in my life, a family member of mine was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. Many of us knew, but not the depth of how far it went but that’s another story. I was approached at a family gathering by “her” and another relative. They knew I was in finance and they needed help. I assumed they were going to ask me for money, but what they asked was entirely different.

“Can you help –her- get to a point where she can leave”

It may not be a perfect quote and honestly thinking back what I recall most was “her” eyes and face. She was so sad, hurt, broken and I felt helpless. I really didn’t know what to say or do, I knew what the issue was but here it was in my lap, I was asked to help and get involved. I remember my Father telling me once “don’t get involved in other people’s marriages” and you know he was right. However, there are exceptions to every rule, I thought to myself I just found one.

What happened next took 2 years. Yes, it was a long journey for all of us. I’m not going to lie and tell you I was on the edge of my seat with worry or panic. I know that’s not heroic but its honest. I was asked to help, not to press or make things worse, there were children involved. I wanted to call the police, I was told emphatically no. I was, in a tough spot emotionally. I wanted to do more but if I did, things would have been 10 times worse, at least that’s what I tell myself to feel better now, I don’t know.

“she” is one tough lady, and I admire her so much. Before we go on to much further let me say “she” and her kids are great now, things worked out well. So what did I do exactly? Well mostly what I was asked:

  1. I took her to a bank and set up an account for her. We did it without the husband, normally thats impossible because these POS are control freaks but I was family, it wasn’t unusual for me to see “her” from time to time.
  2. I made ATM deposits for “her” as often as I could.
  3. I kept all of it a secret from our family. A notable caveat, I told my wife because I respect her and that’s a secret you shouldn’t keep in a marriage. There was no way an affair could be suspected due to my family ties with “her”
Enough
I dont know how “she” managed for years like this, but “she” did it.

No I didn’t fund it. At the time I was raising my own kids and making ends meet I don’t have a lot of spare cash. Did I round up an 80.00 deposit to 100.00? ya. We finally got to a point where “she” had accumulated 10,00.00 in cash. He didn’t know because I was making the deposits. Statements? Went to a PO Box I set up for her couple hundred bucks not hard. He had no idea, and yes for those 2 years’ things carried on for them much the same.

Let me say this here, this was not a blood bath. No I am not trying to justifying anything but not every day was abuse, the majority were quiet. However, “she” lived in fear and I had to live with knowing that I couldn’t do as much as I wanted, it was her request and I was going to be dammed if I put her and her kids in harm’s way. So 2 years in with 10K in the bank, we go out to lunch, husband doesnt suspect anything. A typical pompas ass clueless moron who was so sure of himself, I wanted to hurt him badly it really was one of the hardest things Ive done, not do more. That must sound ridiculous, I cant explain it really.

Instead we put a first, last, and security deposit down on a 2 bedroom apt hours away. The landlord was someone we were referred to as understanding the plight of those who are abused. He did everything he could to keep her location a secret. 2 weeks later we went to a lawyer’s office who is sympathetic to abuse victims.

We used the rest of the money for a retainer, and within 2 weeks “he” was in handcuffs and charged with domestic battery. Things were hairy after that for a little while, until his new reality sunk in and “he” realized things were going to get real for him. He became an angel, got help, cleaned up, straightened up and by all accounts has done the best he can to make things better for “her”. No she didn’t take him back, yes he did –some- time.

The worst part was the 2 years. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I wasn’t perfect, I did the best I could with the hand I was dealt. We all came out a little stronger for it I suppose. If you know someone who is being abused do the most you can for them, and do the best you can for them, but never do nothing.

Ugh….

4 essentials of a successful relationship

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So we are all stuck at home, I told two great jokes yesterday. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years then we met” I followed that up with “My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.” I was the only one who laughed.

However 20+ years later I’d say other than my attempts at humor we have a successful marriage. I’ve found in my travels and research there are 4 essential elements to any successful “coupling”. Hetro,Homo, Bi-Sexual it really doesn’t matter, if you are in a committed relationship and want to gauge the potential for its long term success here are the 4 main factors.

  1. Money
  2. In-laws
  3. Kids
  4. Religion

These mirror nearly identically to financial guru Dave Ramsey’s list here is a link to a great article on his site.

Ideally before you get engaged you have knocked out items 2-4. You would know of the person religion and the scope of importance of it in their lives and yours. You should have met their family, and they have met yours. Issues in this item take time to develop but often red flags appear VERY fast. Siblings, and parents are often sources of judgement that negatively impact partners. Kids, if you haven’t minimally got a sense of how the person feels about kids, ask!

Money is often the hardest one. Many people have debt and are embarrassed. Many people do not have good histories with money and or were never taught how to manage it. Most importantly though is through your adult life your income and debt ratio change a great deal. Not only that but should you have children, its highly likely one partner will be the primary care giver, at least initially.

There is another article here that discusses many marriages fail within the first 5 years.

So as we all sit at home and spend more time with our immediate family we can reflect on some of these issues. Maybe you are living with your partner now, you aren’t engaged but this has revealed to you that this person is the one.

Remember these are all “normal” categories. If there is substance abuse, illness, physical and mental abuse those all override this list. Marriage in the hopes that someone will change is often a precursor to an unsuccessful outcome, don’t do it! Also there is nothing more important than your instincts, you have a natural intuition based on your life experiences trust yourself.