How to be a better man – Advice for females

I am going to go out on a limb here, or more accurately stick my neck out and offer advice to females who want to keep a man. I know, this will all sound very crude, welcome to the male mind. In the context of relationships simple is better for us but it’s never simple is it? So what is this advice that will make everything simple and easy for our female friends? It covers two areas’ that if conquered serve the basic male want from a female.

Now in today’s culture this might be taboo. It’s not just feminists who are uninterested and in some cases hostile toward men’s wants but it is also a growing and vocal men’s movement, MGTOW that is no longer interested in the subject all together. You see we have come to this odd place of having equity promoted so much, no one knows what to do when they desire an unequitable situation. I know *GASP* someone actually said it.

In fact, there are times in relationships where men and women do not want things to be equitable. They do in fact want their partner to do something regularly so they don’t have too. Keep in mind this is mainly for heterosexual couples. I can’t speak to homosexuality, BI, LGBTQ I don’t have a good point of reference and intimate knowledge. For heterosexual males that WANT to be in a relationship the wisdom I am going to give you below is for the most part true. It’s a secret weapon for any female IF they want to be in a long term relationship with said man. 

“A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. A way to a man’s mind is through his penis”

Happy wife happy life? It works both ways.

I know its crude but it’s true. Remember the first part “stomach” means more than just cooking for him it means caring for him and giving him food is part of that. Its very primal but every male uses their first female relationship as a gauge to the rest of their relationships with women (to a degree) all of their lives. That first relationship is with their mother, there is no use in quibbling about it you aren’t going to change it.

The later “a man’s mind” is more nuanced. Men are bombarded with all sorts of expectations and new signaling that they have no historical reference for. Simply put, men today cannot operate as they have for thousands of years. This is new territory for all of us and if you want to KEEP a man you have to help him navigate this. Part of that is through understanding his sexual motivations. Most men view sex as a power exchange, that is the intimacy for them. You can rail against this notion as long as you want, you may suppress it in your man for a while but he won’t happy and will stray.

Penis, in the quote is also representative of how you want him to treat you. Men will treat you the way you want, IF you reciprocate. Men are fairly compliant, if you ask them to do something and it is reasonable they will do it. Not because they want too, but because they know you will fulfill for them their needs. The availability of sex has never been higher than it is now. This is a problem for men and women.

Mostly women, as nearly anyone can get on an app and find a hook up. Its low hanging fruit for a man to do this, but it’s simple, easy. Most men would rather be with a woman where this is never necessary. Why go to the well if you aren’t thirsty? Many men are pigs, you will never help them and you know who they are. Most men are not though, most men are normal. They have wants and needs like you do, theirs aren’t as nuanced. They want to be respected and looked at as powerful, they want sex and they want you to desire to give them both. That’s the trick, if you can do that you’ll hold that man.

Remember this is my opinion, this isn’t a universal truth you might have zero success with this approach but winning “hearts and minds” is how you win relationships. You want men to give a shit about you, to care what you think how you feel. No man is going to if you don’t do the same for him….

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How to improve as a man – Accepting an unpleasant reality

Society has come a long way in terms of equality. It is true that at many points in the past there was gross inequality in nearly all aspects of life. Are things perfect? No, are they better? Yes. As a man you have a very unpleasant reality staring you in the face. At one time men enjoyed the fruits if in-equality. Maybe you were alive for that, so you think it doesn’t apply and that’s largely true but society has evolved to the point where it is now common place to shame/cancel people for things that happened decades prior.

That’s an unpleasant reality for everyone. What is the unpleasant reality for men that we have to accept? That Women, Pets, and Kids are loved unconditionally, and a man is loved only when he provides something. Of course this isn’t an absolute, it’s not 100% of the time but you look at the current cultural and social norms and this is a truism. Is it right, wrong? I’m not here to debate that or get into an argument over men’s rights or feminism. I am here to help men improve and for today’s lesson on improvement, men have to accept this reality.

There are organizations all over the world that help women, children, pets. When was the last time you saw an organization that was dedicated to helping men exclusively? I’m betting it’s not often at all, and are you a white heterosexual male? LOL good luck…

Don’t fight battles you know going in you can’t win.

How we improve here is by accepting this social dynamic reality. Fighting against it is wasted energy at this point you will be overcome by wave after wave of individuals whom want you silenced. I’m not here to discuss their motivations or why we are where we are but to offer you a way to excel in this reality. Embrace the notion that your value will be based on what you can provide to others. It is not and never will be unconditional like women, pets and children. As a man you will be measured by what you offer, for now anyway.

If you can accept that, then you can begin the process of building the basis by which what you are offering is in demand. That is the secret here, understanding the social dynamic and creating the conditions by which you “fill the bill”. Maybe you want to fight against this and find it hypocritical and detrimental? I would recommend you research MGTOW if that is the case. If you want to prosper as a man in the 2020’s what you offer to others will dramatically increase your value.

Examples of “offerings”

  1. Financial stability
  2. Good moral compass
  3. Physically fit
  4. Great hygiene
  5. Leadership
  6. Willingness to do the work others wont
  7. Honesty

I am not suggesting this is a great situation at all, its problematic for everyone because in the end what happens is resentment. Resentment is the poison that kills relationships. You’re going to resent people because you have to deal with this reality. Meantime something happens to a female and there are 800 different resources for them to draw from to recover. You? You’re on your own. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will become stronger and have more to offer.

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How to be a better man: If you entertain clowns, you join the circus

One of the key aspects of being a better man is really being honest about who you invest your time into in your life. Let’s be blunt here we all have toxic people in our lives, it’s really a matter of degree’s. When you entertain/invest time into them you become part of their circus act. This isn’t gender specific either. I’m not talking exclusively about your buddy from high school who still pounds a 6 pack before going out on Friday night.

I’m also talking about GF’s who are drama queens, exes who float in and out of your life to keep you on the line. Crazy uncles who always seem to need help with something, or siblings/parents who constantly fight and or cause issues. I’m not saying you have to cut people like this out of your life completely but you have to be honest about who these people are. If you are at family functions and Uncle Ted continues to bring up the incident at thanksgiving from 2001 it’s because he has either not gotten over it, or he wants to create drama for the people associated because he thinks THEY aren’t over it.

This is an example of how a clown works. They fixate on something that was painful, embarrassing or a highly emotional episode of the past and just keep hammering on it. Sometimes years later. Now there are degrees of this of course. If your current partner is reminding you of something you said 2 years ago you have to think about that and the current context. If you are hearing about this event regularly it means they aren’t over it and or are not happy about how you handled it.

Unclutter your life

People like this can sap your emotional energy. The circus ensues when you engage in this banter and it is used to bludgeon you over and over. The same theory applies to people in your life who have episode behavior. As an example, you go out for drinks, there is a designated driver or uber. There is always one person who says they can drive (when you know they can’t) even WHEN you have done the right thing and set up an alternative means of getting home they continue on. Another example, you are out to eat with your partner and no matter where you go, no matter what you order there is a problem.

If you continue to indulge these behaviors you are sending a signal that it is acceptable, ergo you are accepting a role in the circus. Maybe the example is mild and you are okay with it/tolerate it. Fine but what you normally find is the circus grows over time and more and more “situations” occur in new settings. You have to identify who these people are in your life and really think about your time investment into them.

It’s okay to have a circus once in a while, life should be spicy. That said, to be a better man you have to have balance and be very careful how much the circus consumes your time.

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How to improve as a man – 4 points of clarity you must have in your 40’s

Ah, the 4th decade. It was a good one for me I hope it will be spectacular for you. This is the latest post in my “better man” series and on many of them I like to start with a disclaimer. This post is written from the point of view of a heterosexual man. I simply can’t proclaim this post will apply to other sexualities or genders because that is not where I am at. If you get value from it, that’s fantastic. Please take it in the context it is written, to help heterosexual men improve.

So the 4th decade is interesting because you aren’t old, and you aren’t young. People will start calling you “Sir” more often. You likely have some grey hair and are balding to some degree. You likely have smile lines as well and a dad bod is probably what you are rocking. Hormonally things really start to slow down. Additionally, you might start to develop your first “condition”, chronic pain, skin ailment or worse.

40 Something? Welcome to the start of the 2nd half.

By your 4th decade things should be much clearer for you in terms of your life, where you have been and where you are going. Here are the 4 “must have’s” of clarity in your 40’s.

  1. Career: You should have been working in your chosen field for a decade, in most cases more. You should know what the end game is, your earning potential through the rest of your career and exactly what it is you want to do. You should be beginning to think about what companies you want to do that for, not what role you want as your experience should already dictate that outcome. Simply put, your 40’s should be spent getting to the position and company you think will maximize your earnings and contentment with work.
  • Kids: If you haven’t already had them, this is the decade to have them. Children’s formidable years, where you can influence and participate the most is 3-13. Once they get to high school you are still in the picture but you are needed (and wanted) less and less. Having young kids in your 40’s is great, you’re healthy, they are learning and you have enough comfort with yourself after 4 decades you aren’t spending most of your free time figuring out your life.

  • Life Partners: This may, or may not be a spouse. This may or may not be a romantic partner. In your 40’s you should be able to identify who your life partners are going to be. These are the people you will still be talking to and engaging life with until you die. Siblings, in-laws, old friends, lovers, Ex’s…. The list needs to be clearer for you so you can focus on the critical people. One night in the future when you can’t sleep, think for a minute who are the most important people in your life. The ones you can’t live without, if its more than 10 you have to many. Focus on 1-10 these are your ride or die partners for life.
  • Family: not your spouse/ex & kids but your extended family. This overlaps somewhat with “Life Partners”, but remember many people in your extended family will not be around for the later part of your life. Your grandparents if still alive are likely 80+ your parents probably retired or are getting there. Family can be both a blessing and a curse. At some point one of your older family members will need help. It could be financial, emotional, physical you simply don’t know. As you age things can happen quickly. Imagine your mother gets very sick with Cancer has 2 years to live and your father is out of the picture. Will she live with you? A sibling? Have a plan for aging parents and extended family if they are part of your current life. Issues here can wreak havoc on your life in your 40’s.

Your 40’s are a great decade. Mine was great my kids came of age, my relationships got stronger. However, my mother got to a point she could no longer live alone. My siblings and I had a plan, it worked and she is doing very well now 6 years later. You are getting older, your 40’s is the start of the 2nd half (in football terms). There is a lot of game left to play, but the first half has shaped the 2nd half start. Maybe you are banged up? Maybe you killed it in the 1st half? Buckle up, the 3rd qtr. goes by quickly. Before you know, you’re going to be 50…..

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How to improve as a man – Consider the source

There are many people in the “men’s” space now. You have several female you tubers/tick tockers who give advice. Many men, on and on. Here is the thing, you have to consider the source. It’s going to be a quick post today because the point isn’t going to take a lot of articulation. Let me put it to you very succinctly, if someone doesn’t have a penis, how are they going to be able to advise you on how to manage yours? It would be like me giving a pregnant woman advice on how to handle body issues. Sure I can cite my experiences but I am not a woman the extent of my experience and ability to relate only goes so far.

taking advice from a woman on how to behave as a man isn’t a good idea. There is one major caveat to this, if you want to make THAT particular woman happy then yes adhere to her behavior parameters. Otherwise be yourself, and you will attract people (men and women) who want to hang with you. Additionally, be very careful which men you take advice from. As an example if you see me giving 20 years olds dating advice you should probably not take it very seriously. I am 52 and married.

You get the point. Look for people in similar situations that are like minded. The You Tuber with 6 mil subs isn’t going to relate to you directly. Maybe at one time he did but now? It’s unlikely. The masculinity gurus out there are good, to a degree. I mean the messages are not all that bad but for the most part if you live in a small town in Alabama and want to be a successful man, it’s probably more prudent to look for other successful men from small towns in Alabama.

Always consider the source of the information you are consuming and attempting to incorporate. The single best way to get better as a man is to look inward and make self-improvements. Hygiene, physical appearance, income, these are a few things that inspire positive emotions within you and flow outward that then attract positive outcomes. As the wise Jordan Peterson said “If you can’t even clean up your own room, who the hell are you to give advice to the world?” 

It’s a metaphor, the “room” is really any subject. Always consider the source.

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Dressing to feel good !

How to be a better man – Be direct, not for her, for you

This is going to be a very quick post but it might be the most important post in the “better man” series I am producing. Once again I need to be clear here, I am speaking to heterosexual men. This might be applicable to all sexualities I simply don’t know. For heterosexual men, let’s be very clear, it’s okay to flirt, it’s okay to ask women out, it’s okay to desire females. It is not okay to pursue a woman on any level after she has been clear she isn’t interested.

This isn’t a 1980’s ROMCOM, its 2022 and the world has changed for heterosexual men. No means no, not “I can try again later”. You also have to be astute about picking up uncomfort. You go to the woman’s desk at work and start talking to her about non work related things. She folds her arms and starts looking at the floor, why do you think she is trying to convey?

Be concise fella’s, you like a woman ask her out. Be direct, it’s the best way to know as quickly as possible if there is any hope. The games are over, the nuances of prior courting rituals are now blurred, you have to be very careful. One complaint from a female that you are harassing them and your world can change forever. Females don’t know what you are thinking, they don’t know your intent and now more than ever they are empowered to act in their self-interest regardless of how harmless you believe yourself to be.

Some females use this new social construct to harm men. They are out there, do not delude yourself. Be respectful, be kind, be direct. The clearer you are; the more clarity you will obtain.

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How to be a better man – How to handle Infidelity

This of course is one of if not the most damaging things that can happen in a relationship. This post is meant to help hetro sexual men. That is the perspective I see things from. I can’t stress enough that this may, or may not be applicable to others, I simply don’t know I don’t have that perspective. Let me say right off the bat I have been cheated on, thankfully not by my spouse but in another relationship many years ago.

First let me say, regardless if you are male, female or whatever sexuality you are cheating is bad. It hurts people, people that at some level you care about. It’s a selfish act and the best thing to do is if you are cheating and or thinking about it is to come clean to the person you are cheating on. It will be a hard conversation but at the end of the day you will have given them the respect they deserve. In addition to that you will be able to have self-respect which for many cheaters is the Achilles heel of the whole affair.

So how to be a better man? Well first the above, you don’t cheat. It’s okay to think of other women and desire them, that’s normal. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t understand how men think. It’s one thing to think it, it’s another to act on it. If you are actively cheating or planning to cheat stop, think about the other person. It’s going to hurt them a lot more if you cheat and they find out, work out the issue or end the relationship. They deserve it.

The harder question is what do you do if YOU have been cheated on. For men this is a complex emotional issue. I am going to make it as simple as I can for you. This approach will be very hard but it is the quickest most direct route to the finish line. The approach is simple; you end the relationship. No if’s, no counseling, no red pilling, no gas lighting none of it. This is harsh and unforgiving I realize that, forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to continue on.

Respect is a two way street

So the issue to “working through it” is you will never get this out of your mind. IT will eat away at you. Decades later you will still think about it. For a man, sex is a gift given by a woman. Something special that only he gets to enjoy. At least that’s what many, many men think and once that gift is gone the light never shines as brightly again. There may be kids involved, there may be family issues, money, property on and on. I can’t get into every subtlety here but as a general observation I have found that men who are cheated on become happier when they exercise themselves from the person who cheated.

Is that person evil? Probably not. Should they be punished for the rest of their lives? No. Everyone should move on. Ideally it is an amicable split. No cops, no fighting, no screaming. You can’t stay with someone who cheats on you and ever build the trust needed for a successful long term relationship. Same goes for women too, let’s be clear here. Women should move on as well, no one should tolerate infidelity.

How you move on largely depends on how intertwined other aspects of your life was with this person. Shared finances, children, friends etc. all play a large roll in how you extract yourself from this relationship. The minute you find out about infidelity you have to start planning a life without this person. It may take a while to execute but in the end you will be happier. I can’t stress enough the long term damage you will suffer if you attempt to “work through it”.

You will hear all sorts of narratives about what men should do. Gas lighting is very common in today’s social construct. It’s going to be a hard road and it makes the pain of this betrayal that much worse. How you get through this is you imagine your life 1-3 years removed from it. Some women will do anything to keep you. They made a mistake and how they own it is often via tears, victimization, and promising everything they think you want to keep you.

Ask yourself this, why weren’t those things already given or promised before this? Don’t be fooled here, you have to move on. There are plenty of good loyal women out there who will cherish you, if you cherish them. Don’t settle for infidelity and don’t cheat. Seek out someone who respects you, someone who would tell you first they are thinking about cheating (she’s a keeper).  Always be respectful toward women, treat them with kindness and dignity but never accept infidelity and never stay with a cheater.

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How to be a better man – The real secret (are you a beta, alpha or????? )

What label have you accepted? I bet you’re loathe to say you are a beta aren’t you? Maybe you are walking around telling everyone you are an Alpha male, which obviously that’s what Alpha males do….. Maybe you are an Omega? A Gamma? A label allows you to be classified simply, marketed too, sorted out and identified. These labels/titles are social constructs created by others to better identify your behaviors so you can be categorized.

You can try and identify these labels and emulate them. Who knows, maybe in your mind you will achieve the ideal for one of these labels. Maybe you will truly become an ALPHA MALE!!!! Make sure you tell everyone. Maybe, just maybe you can be yourself. You know some days you might be completely alpha some days you might be beta and everywhere in between.

It’s kind of like politics, are you 100% one way? Do you maybe believe that a woman has a right to determine what happens with her body but on the other hand don’t think government should be involved in financing social programs? Life isn’t black and white and neither is being a man. So what does all this mean? You see there has been a schism in the social order that governed society for thousands of years. Traditional male and female roles have converged and diverged and as a result you have to find where your place is on your own terms.

That place is where you want it. See we are at a place in the social construct of complete freedom for men. It’s fantastic that women have become liberated, they can be politicians, anything. Let them go fight wars now. Take out the trash? They can do that. Change the oil in the car? Go for It. The freedom of women and their liberation is the best thing to happen to men in a long, long time. You never have to accept inequality again. You see it works both ways, well it should but there are many out there who want their cake and eat it too.

A thick skin makes you stronger then 99% of “Alpha Males”

Don’t allow that anymore. You decide who you are. You want a label great, don’t want one that’s cool too. Always demand equality and if you don’t get it you need to remove those people from your life ASAP. It’s okay to like whatever you like. Paint your nails, wear dresses, put on makeup…. Or grow a beard, swill beer, swear. Everything is wide open now. Pick whatever label you want and within it create the name YOU want it to be.

If members of the opposite sex don’t like it and want you to change, move on from them. Because here is the real secret and it’s the one that has scared the shit out of men and women alike. You don’t need a woman to be happy, a woman doesn’t need a man to be happy. The catch is most men from a young age are conditioned not to expect emotional support or to be needed. Girls are protected far more, there are 1-800 numbers for any issue a woman might have, seen one for men lately? Women in western culture are placed in a different light from a young age, and with that comes unfair expectations on them I concede that. For a man? Expectations have never been lower. Not the bread winner? That’s acceptable. Dad bod and not athletic? That’s acceptable. On and on…

This is your chance, you can now be whatever you want however you want to frame it. Western society has created an equality narrative, and with it comes good and bad outcomes. Most of the negative outcomes here are for females, they now have even higher expectations placed on them than ever before where their male counterparts have been reduced. The phrase “careful what you wish for” comes to mind but equality of opportunity doesn’t always translate to equality of outcomes.

Social expectations and thousands of years of an accepted social construct don’t evaporate overnight. Women will still be judged on their appearance (by other women often), their ability to run a house, be a mother and now their ability to earn an income and excel professionally. They have all the pressure. Men are not held in high regard at all. This is great for you if you are a man, you now have more freedom than ever before. Relieved of the burdens of expectations you can build the life and strength you want and genuinely attract those who like you for who you are, not who they expect you to be or some arbitrary title.

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How to improve as a man – Accepting an unpleasant reality

Society has come a long way in terms of equality. It is true that at many points in the past there was gross inequality in nearly all aspects of life. Are things perfect? No, are they better? Yes. As a man you have a very unpleasant reality staring you in the face. At one time men enjoyed the fruits if in-equality. Maybe you were alive for that, so you think it doesn’t apply and that’s largely true but society has evolved to the point where it is now common place to shame/cancel people for things that happened decades prior.

That’s an unpleasant reality for everyone. What is the unpleasant reality for men that we have to accept? That Women, Pets, and Kids are loved unconditionally, and a man is loved only when he provides something. Of course this isn’t an absolute, it’s not 100% of the time but you look at the current cultural and social norms and this is a truism. Is it right, wrong? I’m not here to debate that or get into an argument over men’s rights or feminism. I am here to help men improve and for today’s lesson on improvement, men have to accept this reality.

There are organizations all over the world that help women, children, pets. When was the last time you saw an organization that was dedicated to helping men exclusively? I’m betting it’s not often at all, and are you a white heterosexual male? LOL good luck…

Don’t fight battles you know going in you can’t win.

How we improve here is by accepting this social dynamic reality. Fighting against it is wasted energy at this point you will be overcome by wave after wave of individuals whom want you silenced. I’m not here to discuss their motivations or why we are where we are but to offer you a way to excel in this reality. Embrace the notion that your value will be based on what you can provide to others. It is not and never will be unconditional like women, pets and children. As a man you will be measured by what you offer, for now anyway.

If you can accept that, then you can begin the process of building the basis by which what you are offering is in demand. That is the secret here, understanding the social dynamic and creating the conditions by which you “fill the bill”. Maybe you want to fight against this and find it hypocritical and detrimental? I would recommend you research MGTOW if that is the case. If you want to prosper as a man in the 2020’s what you offer to others will dramatically increase your value.

Examples of “offerings”

  1. Financial stability
  2. Good moral compass
  3. Physically fit
  4. Great hygiene
  5. Leadership
  6. Willingness to do the work others wont
  7. Honesty

I am not suggesting this is a great situation at all, its problematic for everyone because in the end what happens is resentment. Resentment is the poison that kills relationships. You’re going to resent people because you have to deal with this reality. Meantime something happens to a female and there are 800 different resources for them to draw from to recover. You? You’re on your own. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will become stronger and have more to offer.

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Ancient Wisdom - Confucius

How to improve as a man – disconnect from other’s expectations

This is one of the hardest concepts to implement. It’s pretty close to “stop caring what other people think” which, unless you are a sociopath you’re not going to be able to achieve. However, other’s expectations is a broad enough category where we can whittle away at this which is the point of this post. Simply put, have good values and morals which you adhere too is paramount to self-improvement. Where you obtained those values is an aside really, the point here is trying to distance yourself from others expectations.

The perception of masculinity and men as a whole has changed dramatically over the last 50 years. It’s a mixed bag of good and bad to be blunt. For most men it’s now challenging to understand where they fit into societies expectations, as hundreds (or thousands) of years of accepted norms are no longer applicable. Disconnecting from the current status quo is paramount to your happiness as a man, and then by extension those who you have in your life.

This doesn’t mean you treat people like crap, be disrespectful, confrontational etc. It means you make the rules you live by and should people like or not like it that is there choice. The key proposition here is you are setting your own expectations and working to reach them. This in turn should attract to you people who are of a like mind. This is a net positive for you and everyone around you. This enables others in your life to clearly gauge you as an individual, and determine for themselves if you are someone they want to invest their time in.

Obtaining a thick skin is a life long journey

This also empowers you to live the life you want. One major caveat there though dear reader, when you do this you will face consequences. Society is in a place today where social dictates come from multiple sources. They are loud, aggressive and in many cases have extreme responses to anyone who does not adhere to their particular moral doctrine. That isn’t meant to scare you, just a warning. “cancel culture” is real, anyone can be targeted for mass harassment for a simple tweet like “I didn’t help them change their tire. 2 empowered females should be able to handle it no problem”

The world is full of anonymous experts in everything, particularly how you should think and feel. Be mindful of this as you venture through your own self-discovery and decide what works for you and how to implement it. Disconnecting from other’s expectations is extremely challenging, it means that some in our life will be unhappy. It may mean that on your journey you experience a lot of turmoil. Take heart, as this journey is your own and becoming a better man, at the end of the day, makes everyone around you better too.

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