Tag: Relationship advice

How to be a better man – Let’s be blunt about Gas Lighting

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So in my “how to be a better man” series I give advice to heterosexual men. I cannot speak to other genders, identities, or sexual orientations, as I don’t live that life. So please take this advice as it is intended, it is not intended to offend but to help. So if you are a heterosexual male and you are out there dating it’s time to be very blunt about something, gas lighting.

First let us be clear what gas lighting is. Gas Lighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gas lighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

So how does that manifest itself in a relationship between a man and a woman? It’s actually very simple to detect, here are a few examples. When a woman tells you, it’s your fault that she does something. Now remember context is important so here is an example “You have been working so much and ignoring me, so I went out with my girlfriends and flirted with a guy”. So in that example she chose to flirt with another man, she I telling you it’s your fault, is it really?

If you are being Gas Lit its going to cost WAY more then an arm and a leg.

Another example of gas lighting is when you confide in your partner some of your insecurities or issues. As an example maybe you had a horrible experience with your grandparents as a child and you reveal this to her. In disagreements in the future, she uses this information to help affirm her arguments and or minimize yours. Now people do this often, it’s not just females that do this but the point here is how do you as a man deal with gas lighting when you are in a relationship?

The first time this happens, you tell her point blank “You are gas lighting me, and that’s not acceptable”. This puts her on notice that you know what she is doing. Gas lighting is a way to manipulate other people, it’s that simple. This declaration to her is notice that what she is doing is unacceptable. What is key here is her response. A defensive response suggests she understands exactly what she is doing and is troubled that YOU know what she is doing.

That may be the end of it, and that is cool. What isn’t cool is if the gas lighting continues. If it does this is a woman you must break it off with. Someone who gas lights you wants control, and control often leads to abuse. This happens to women all the time some men are abusive but they use physical intimidation. Some women use gas lighting to affect the same outcome, a dominant position within the relationship. If that is something you want fine, you do you. However if you do not, address it the first time and do not let it continue under any circumstances. It will lead to resentment and a lot of wasted time.

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How to be a better man: Maybe it’s you?

Posted on by Karac Avalron

This is going to be a quick post today. So in my “how to be a better man series” I offer advice to heterosexual men. I suppose the advice can be used by anyone really but I try not to speak into sexualities, genders, etc. that I do not have direct experience with. So please take it in the spirit in which it is offered.

So “Maybe it’s you” what does that mean? Simply put, if everywhere you got things end up smelling like shit for one reason or another, it’s time to check your shoes. You might actually be the issue here. If your relationships with females all end a certain way, or if your work situations always seem to devolve to the same bullet points you have to be honest with yourself.

If you treat a woman like a Queen, she should be treating you like a King

YOU are always present in these situations. The likelihood of the same outcomes happening over and over with unrelated parties because of THEIR choices is highly unlikely. If you have dated four females and each one of them end the same way I would ask you, did they know each other? If they did not then the common denominator is you.

Self-reflection, honesty and a strong effort into self-improvement is going to fix many of these situations. Just because “It’s you” doesn’t mean it cannot be fixed. You have to do the work to identify what exactly the problem is. If, as an example, you are dating and you have no desire to get married, but constantly date women who DO desire to get married, you have to fix that.

At the end of the day, the only thing you can control is yourself, and even that is a challenge at time. Keep working hard, Keep pushing yourself and remember to always give yourself grace. You are not perfect, none of us are but self-awareness and honesty are the pathways to being a better man.

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How to be a better man: Passport wife?

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So in my series on how to be a better man I cover a lot of subjects, this one might be the most controversial but it will take me the least amount of time to cover. So as a disclaimer let me be clear, the “how to be a better man” posts on my blog are meant for heterosexual men. I can’t speak to other genders or sexualities specifically as I am a heterosexual male. This advice may or may not apply to you, only you can decide.

So many men in the west complain about women (and vice versa) specifically about the cultural change that has happened in the last 50 years. Women are more empowered sexually, in the work place and in just about every aspect of society. I’m not going to quibble on if it’s enough etc., but things have changed and largely for the better.

Not according to some men. They want a “traditional” relationship where gender roles are clearly established based on traditional western societal norms. We first have to acknowledge and accept that things have changed. In marriage things have shifted a great deal actually, one only has to look at outcomes for men in divorce to see it clearly. Not to mention the societal shift in valuation of men in comparison to women.

Shared values is paramount to long term happiness.

I’m not going to go in depth on those aspects of the narrative. I am going to speak about what you want and specifically how to obtain it. Passport wives has become a new phenomenon in the modern male movement as there is this belief that women in other cultures are more apt to accept a traditional female role in a relationship. That might be true, the evidence suggests it is but I can’t say that unequivocally myself.

What I can say is to the men directly – be clear on your expectations, be reasonable and do not settle. Now if you want a traditional relationship that’s fine. Who cares where the woman is from if you both share the same values and desired outcome? We are talking about a marriage, go look the word up it, it is a legally or morally formed union. You are uniting as one, so other than children this is the most significant relationship you will ever have in your life.

Marriage has an extreme effect on your personal wellbeing along with all of the legalities that form around shared property within the current legal system. So a “passport wife” is fine if that’s what you want, but don’t kid yourself that finding someone from say Albania is going to magically negate the realities and legalities of marriage. You have to find someone who you share the same values as, they can be anywhere.

The key for you is vetting this person. Live with them, experience them and really pay close attention to how they represent themselves (and you) to other people. In the end there is no full proof method to selecting a marriage partner. Cultural differences are a thing, I’m not denying that but you can go half way across the world and still find a bad person. Be careful about marriage, for a man it’s the biggest commitment you will ever make.

Western culture has changed; the social construct has built in many safeguards to protect women. Some might be over zealous, fine, others are spot on. Regardless of where your potential spouse was born, its where you chose to marry, and under those laws that is of the outmost importance. This assumes of course you did your diligence and you have shared values to begin with…

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Dressing to feel good !

How to be a better man – Relationships and a harsh reality

Posted on by Karac Avalron

Another post in my better man series. These posts are meant to help heterosexual men of all ages and are not meant to offend to speak to other genders and sexual orientations. This is one older guy sharing his wisdom with men of a similar mind. I am not a MGTOW blog, I do not have a bias towards one group or another, I post what I know and what I have seen based on my experience.

Disclaimer out of the way, there are some harsh realities heterosexual men have to deal with. In the current social construct in the western world, we are near, if not at the bottom. Your place among the bottom varies depending on your racial composition but for the most part it seems society thinks the least of you, and expects the most from you. This wasn’t always the case mind you, go take a look at say 1950’s America you were the top of the food chain.

So with this comes certain realities and one thing stands out as having the potential to be catastrophic to your life and that is relationships. It’s not just romantic relationships with women, it’s ANY RELATIONSHIP. One word from anyone can result in horrible outcomes. From someone at work calling your toxic, a cousin saying your racist or a neighbor who doesn’t agree with how you raise a child. As a heterosexual male the outcomes usually lead to more negative results then other group.

Am I contagious?
The longer you deny social realities, the longer you will remain confused and isolated.

You’ve heard the saying before “you can’t trust anyone” well guess what? That’s never been more true than it is now. What’s harder to replace? A career you worked at for 10 years or a casual friend you joke around with once a week getting coffee in the café? One wrong comment to that person can result in careers being over. Think I am exaggerating? Google is your friend. That neighbor who waves every morning? Want to bet they have social media? (twitter, FB, Tick Tock). What if they say something about you letting your dog run lose? (even if you don’t).

The harsh reality is as a heterosexual man in 2022 every relationship you have has to be looked at critically. You’re an easy target, low hanging fruit. I will give you a personal example. My daughter has a large group of friends, we had a party a few months ago. Hamburgers, hot dogs all the normal “cook out” fare you would expect. One of her friends was unhappy with the protein we provided at the party. There were plenty of vegan and vegetarian dishes there but that wasn’t enough. To the point where this “friend” posted pics of this “disgusting American tradition” on her social media.

There was little to no impact to me or my family, this wasn’t a disaster. But it could have been. Now granted that had little to nothing to do with me being a white heterosexual male but the point is one small thing can lead to larger and larger outcomes. What if some nut on the internet saw this and decided to visit us to explain how horrible we were for cooking hamburgers at a cook out? Think that’s a stretch? It isn’t things like that happen often actually, its just different degrees. The point here is even your most harmless actions can be open season on you. Be very careful who is in your life, even on the periphery.

The more people in your life, the more exposure you have. I’m not saying shut down but just be more cautious. Relationships, even ones abstract through others in your life (your girlfriends, brother’s, wife as an example) can lead to issues. Really listen to people in your life, understand who they are as best you can and the minute something begins to go toxic, cut them out and move on. The risk is no longer worth the reward. Harsh? Yes, but if you aren’t looking out for your interests, who is?

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Quick post on “Tough Love”

Posted on by Karac Avalron

What is “Tough Love”?

I found one definition online that nearly summed up all other examples I found. “promotion of a person’s welfare, especially that of an addict, child, or criminal, by enforcing certain constraints on them, or requiring them to take responsibility for their actions”.

Love as a word has been overused and has lost a lot of its weight. Simply put, to love something, in the past was to give over an unconditional devotion to it. It was never a term that was meant to be used lightly. In today’s vernacular we love everything “I love the color green” as an example. Language changes and words, over time have their meanings changed based on the current social construct.

To “Tough Love” there really isn’t such a thing, if you love someone you will do whatever you have to do to make sure they are okay. There isn’t anything tough about it, it’s an absolute that if you can do it, you will do it, because you love that person. That is the traditional application of the word love anyway.

Is it truly heartfelt?

The next time you or someone you know has to make a hard decision, like removing an alcoholic from a home, throwing away a hoarder’s hoard, or disconnecting a porn addict from the internet it’s just love. If you didn’t care you wouldn’t bother and to suggest it is “tough” should only be in the context of the situation that occurs once you facilitated this act of love.

Don’t be fooled or brow beaten into this false narrative that forcing hard decisions on those you love is somehow a negative. It’s actually just the opposite, the person who loves you the most will force you to change if you are self-destructing. Honor them when you can, and never ascribe it to “tough love” it is just love, period.

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How to be a great dad: How to ensure your daughter has good relationships with men.

Posted on by Karac Avalron

This is another post in my series of how to be a good guy/better man. I see all over the web about MGTOW and men checking out and to be blunt I completely understand why. We aren’t going to get into that in this post but I want to make sure I am clear here, traditional gender roles, traditional relationships and traditional marriage might not be for you regardless of gender. I happen to be in one, by choice many years ago and that is the context of this advice.

Children watch adults and mirror behaviors. I don’t think that is going too far out on a limb, it’s how we all learn by exposure to situations, observation and modeling successful outcomes. That out of the way let me state for the record I am no expert in women romantically, I mean I have had a decent amount of romantic relationships in my time but I am years removed from that.

I am however experienced and nuanced in female relationships. I spent a lot of time with my Grandmother and mother, I have sisters, I have a wife, I have a daughter. IMHO I have observed the women in my life conduct themselves in just about every normal situation you can think of. Again this isn’t a post that is pertaining to sex but rather real life (power goes off, flat tires, sick spouses, politics, work issues). So while I am not going to proclaim I am an authority I do have a broad scope of experience.

Enough
OMG is this guy going to get to the point….

How do you ensure your daughter has a good relationship with men as a dad? Conduct yourself toward the women in your life the way you would want a man to conduct himself with your daughter. Your daughter is watching you and how you treat women and it’s the most likely influence for her to base her future relationships with men. Treating women with respect, and conversely expecting women to treat you with respect is paramount. Respect leads to trust, trust leads to several positive outcomes in personal relationships.

If you are an angry aggressive man, chances are your daughter ends up with one. Are you a pushover, and are miserable at work and your spouse doesn’t treat you well? That’s likely to be what your daughter does as well. The point here is pretty simple, your daughter is looking to you for more than just the normal emotional support you give children but what she should be looking for in a man in the future, if she in fact wants one.

It’s not just how you behave in the home or with family that is crucial it’s how you expect others to treat you as well. Stand up for yourself, be compassionate but confident. Be understanding but firm. Work on yourself as best you can, work on improvements where you deem it needed and remember she is watching you.

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How to be a good Husband, Boyfriend, Man – 1 critical tip

Posted on by Karac Avalron

While the title might be targeted toward my male readers this tip is actually most useful for females, or other males, who need to gauge a man in their life. I don’t care what your sexuality is, what you identify as or how you view relationships. I can say that that this one critical tip can be applied to anyone really but as I am male, a husband and have been a boyfriend that’s what I can speak to with a great deal of experience.

The Tip? Be honest, be direct, be kind.

“Karac that’s three things” Its three concepts but it’s one tip. When you talk to people, particularly your partners with whom you maintain an intimate relationship with you need to evoke these concepts as universally as possible. We see all over the web people being “direct” now, behind their VPN’s and made up names. What about in the real world? How about when you are in the car driving home from a movie and you are asked “do you think she is prettier than I am?”

That happens, so how do you answer it? Particularly if you do in fact think she was.

Be honest “Prettier? Yes, she’s beautiful”

Be direct “Prettier? Yes, she’s beautiful” this is both honest and direct

Be Kind “Prettier? Yes, she’s beautiful, just like you” this is all three

The person asking likely knows the woman is prettier, the movie star has a team doing her make-up and hair for the filming…. Questions like these are integrity tests really. What if you said “no you are way better looking than she is”? You are sending the clear message that you are willing to lie to make someone feel good, even when you both know it’s a lie. The damage of doing this is hard to measure in the short term but over time it is crippling.

Lies are not an option

Look at it this way, if a woman knows you will lie to her to make her feel better how can she ever respect you? Women, in my experience, want their partners to be honest. It’s one of the most important traits they look for in a good man even if, sometimes, that honesty hurts. I can’t speak to how other non-heterosexual relationships work but I don’t think I am going out on a limb here when I say everyone desires honesty.

Honesty allows for deeper intimate relationships. Without it, the lines of what is or is not truth become blurred and it’s a never ending game of trying to keep up the appearance of a reality that’s based half-truths. Eventually words stop having impact “you look great” you might say to her. Do you mean it? Does she think you mean it? Being honest, direct and kind is challenging. You will have relationships that crumble because of it because there are many people out there who don’t want honesty, they want an illusion of honesty to fit the narrative they have created in their mind.

In the end, your most successful relationships will be with people whom you can be honest with. Who can be honest with you and can do so directly and with kindness. This takes time to hone as a skill, I am not suggesting you share your honest feelings about every little thing that comes up. If you are asked though? Yes, you must. You will begin to build the foundations of a relationship that can start to employ trust through your ability to be honest, direct and kind.

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Anxiety and Relationships – The good, the bad & the ugly

Posted on by Karac Avalron

Had an opportunity to reflect recently on some of my past relationships, but before I get started an old joke from and old man (humor me please). “Some relationships are like algebra, ever look at your X and wonder Y?” Now that you pulled yourself together from that knee slapper let me explain a little bit. Relationships I have had, mostly, have been based on physical attraction first and once that begins to wear off you really find out if you like being with the person. I mean the everyday stuff like folding towels, waiting in traffic, discussing the day’s events.

Physical attraction is usually what drives most initial interactions with the opposite sex, at least it is with me. While I am happily married back “in the day” I dated my fair share. Upon reflection of some of my past relationships I often wonder how my anxiety influenced the outcomes. I’m going to give 3 relationship experiences I had and link an interesting article below for a decent read.

(names have been changed)

The Good- Mindy M: High school, Mindy was 5’10 dyed blond hair and was absolutely insane. What do I mean by that? Mindy was up for anything, and I mean anything. We partied a lot, we went to dead shows together and while we were young our sexual experiences were remarkable IMHO. Mindy made me better, but instilling in me the confidence that every young man needs to be successful. She didn’t do this by simply “being hot” or being a “party girl” she was devoted to me, we did everything together. I remember when a good friend of mine died I was extremely depressed, we were seniors. Mindy talked to me, made sure I knew someone gave a shit. She was awesome in almost every way a perfect girlfriend for a young man. She also gave me one of the corner stones in my life, how to treat women. Mindy demanded respect, she never let me get away with being arrogant as a young man, she never let me treat her poorly or as an object. We stayed together for almost 3 years, it was one of the best relationships of my life.

The Bad – Tina K: Fast forward to early 20’s, my group was into the bar hopping scene. I met Tina K at a bar, she was, and still is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met and been with. Sadly, the beauty was only skin deep. Tina was an extreme party girl shallow and judgmental. My car wasn’t nice enough, my clothes could be better “are you wearing that cheap cologne again?” really she was material girl 101. It was bad and in the time I was with her I was in constant competition with her expectations. I felt inadequate, small and never good enough. I was too young at the time to understand what was happening but I realize now this was a trigger for my anxiety. This woman was very attractive, everyone wanted to be with her and she was technically my girlfriend. I should have seen it coming, she cheated, I was devastated due to blindness. I thought it was me, I changed everything about myself. I tried to conform to an ideal set forth by someone else. I was in full anxiety mode, and I was blaming myself 100% when it wasn’t 100% me.

The Ugly – Dawn H: Around the same time as Tina K I met Dawn H. We fought constantly but the sex was great. It’s unfair I guess to list Dawn as “The Ugly” but it was in this emotionally and verbally abusive relationship that, upon reflection I realize now was the real beginning of my anxiety increase. I was no angel in this relationship so dear reader do not take this as “I was a saint the woman was to blame” I was a full participant in emotional black mail, verbal abuse, and mental detiriation. We were both wallowing in the misery of being miserable together. We lived together for a time, there was never enough money, never enough anything. I became withdrawn, I stopped talking to friends and family. It was just Dawn and I, and it was during this relationship when I started suffering anxiety symptoms in a more extreme way. I couldn’t t go to work somedays, I didn’t want to be in public and have people looking at me. I was a mess.

Notice I haven’t given to much specific detail on the relationships. These women are not present to defend themselves so I think it’s fair not to delve to deeply. Also notable is I haven’t listed my wife as “the good” that isn’t to say that it isn’t the best relationship with a woman I have had, it is. When I met my wife I was emotionally mature from the relationships of the past. I am functioning and was able to offer her a great relationship with a man who KNEW HIS ISSUES.

And that’s the point here, the good, the bad, and the ugly relationships of your life help mold you into who you are now. Maybe you are in one, take a step back think about how you feel, be honest. There really wasn’t an overarching point to this post other than to say anxiety is a journey and along the way you meet people and have relationships. They help shape who you are and they shape your anxiety. Embrace the good, work on the bad, and get out of the ugly.

Here is a decent article I read about anxiety and relationships, maybe there is something in there for you?

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