How to be a better man: They know, do you know they know?

So this is a cryptic blog title, but it’s important. Before we get going too far a quick reminder. My “How to be a better man series” is written for and by a heterosexual man. I can’t write for other sexualities as I don’t have those experiences myself, my opinion on those would be abstract. So that out of the way, Women know. They know what you want, generally, although this does evolve over time (what you want, and their ability to know it) but the initial phase of any heterosexual relationship (think the first 6 months) they know.

The question posed in the title is do you know they know? There really isn’t a mystery here, it’s been the driver of male pursuit of females for centuries. Men want sex. Again we are talking about heterosexual men. I am assuming other sexual proclivities want this as well but I am an expert on myself and I am a heterosexual male. Women know what you want. This is the dance. Now this dance has changed over time.

Its factual to say that it is easier now for men to get sex than ever before. We have the internet which has opened up many new avenues to obtain sexual gratification. It’s also factual to say that women are far more liberated sexually than ever before. The likelihood they that want to have sex is also higher. So this notion of they know, do you know they know might not be as potent in application as it was 50 years.

Talking about sex and attraction these days is like going out on a limb

It’s still very important. Females realize, and in many cultures are trained to understand that a man’s desire can be used to cultivate the type of relationship they want. Let me be clear here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. You use what you have to obtain what you want. I have no problem with females using their attraction to garner a relationship they desire, they should do that. Men need to be very clear here, regardless of how liberated society is this underlying dynamic between men and women still exists.

Let’s also be clear on something. For all my male readers, it’s okay to pursue and “court” females. When they make it clear to you they are uninterested you must stop. The days of yore where you could be zealous and really over pursue females (which in modern day IS harassment) is over. IF a woman is not interested in you, leave her alone. Again it’s okay to ask, but you HAVE to take no for an answer.

If, however you are in a relationship, regardless of the scope of the relationship remember they know. They know you want sex, and intelligent women use this knowledge to steer things the way they want it to go. Its manipulative yes but not all manipulation is bad, meaning if you have a good woman who has healthy intentions it’s safe to allow this to occur. Not all actions by females whom try and derive a benefit from their availability for sex is sinister. That said, you as the man have to be very clear on your sexual expectations. If they are reasonable they should be accommodated.

Your needs are not secondary; the difference here is most women know what your primary need is. You have to go in knowing they know, and now you do. Good luck.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.

Gandalf

THE WISDOM OF TOLKIEN…. AGAIN….

 “There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit or There and Back Again

I’ve looked for things, I’ve looked for peace of mind and to no avail. I have found Anxiety, Stress and depression. Did I want to find these things? A part of me did, how else can I confront, overcome and reconcile these issues?

I’ve looked for other things, I’ve looked for happiness and have succeeded. I am married for 20+ years with a great family who understands that I have anxiety, they are just not in tune with the depth but that’s okay.

I’ve always been averse to popular notions that -sound- foolish. “look within yourself” or “the answer lies within” I have been foolish not to apply these simple sayings to my historic behaviors. The answer to many of the I’ll of my life have in fact been my reactions to what I perceived others thought. Of course, I couldn’t really know, I have no way of knowing the operation of someone else’s mind.

I’ve looked for it, the answer. The answer to why I am predisposed to consider what others think. Perhaps it is a societal norm? Perhaps a social construct I am bound to in the subconscious? Or perhaps I need to continue looking at myself and find what has been there all along.

I am okay, I am normal, I am too critical of myself, I am an expert in me. It’s not really what I was after, but I will find it. The wisdom of Tolkien once again astounds me.

Thanks for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post this one? Click here.

Surviving 2020 & covid

Anxiety or a Panic Attack ?

If you have anxiety you might be exposed to, or have had a panic attack. This is the physical manifestation of your anxiety. Often it doesn’t play out as the person think’s it will, meaning the “panic” doesn’t nearly equate to the situation more often than not. However, that doesn’t minimize or negate what is actually happening to you. Panic often delves into physical conditions that impact you negatively. Examples:

  • Shortness of breath or hyperventilation
  • Heart palpitations or racing heart
  • Chest pain or discomfort
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Choking feeling
  • Feeling unreal or detached from your surroundings
  • Sweating
  • Nausea or upset stomach
  • Feeling dizzy, light-headed, or faint
  • Numbness or tingling sensations
  • Hot or cold flashes
  • Fear of dying, losing control, or going crazy

The real problem is these attacks can happen at any time. Literally ANYTHING can be a trigger and this is, for a lot of people where anxiety ends up. They live in fear not of, I don’t know, let’s say spiders, but the PANIC that seeing the spider will invoke. I’ve never had a serious panic attack, I have heard in my life when the subject comes up in my social circle there is an immediate dismissal. “It’s not that bad” or “They made a mountain out of a mole hill”.

Sometimes the smallest thing can become a huge explosion.

What that narrative does is it creates the conditions by which someone who might have panic attacks has even more anxiety about it. Our culture celebrates strength and fortitude in essentially all ethnic backgrounds for each gender. Having anxiety that leads to a panic attack doesn’t make you weak, it’s not something you should be ashamed of and if you have people in your life telling you it’s not a big deal you should consider strongly limiting your time with them.

In extreme cases a panic attack can lead to death, either by suicide, heart attack or loss of control of your faculties. BREATHE!

I am not patronizing you, it sometimes is that simple. Even if you are in the middle of a grocery store and you think people are staring at you and you are in full panic, take slow deep breaths. 10 slow deep breaths is a minute of your life, you can do this and any social anxiety you may derive from that 1 minute where you think people are staring at you will dissipate quickly as your panic starts to decrease with every breath.

You aren’t alone, you are not abnormal. You have anxiety and you need to be honest with yourself about it. When in doubt, take a deep breath.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post like this one? Click here. 

Anxiety: The benefits of having Anxiety

In my travels I have come across all sorts of articles on anxiety. To be blunt most of them are “change how you think” rehashes. I found an article here that is a little odd, as it talks about the “unexpected benefits” of stress and anxiety. Of course I had to read it and its honesty not a bad read.

From the Article: “You have probably noticed that when you’re anxious about something, you can’t sit still. That reflects that short-term stress and anxiety are energizing emotions. They are your body’s way of preparing you for action.

Although most work problems don’t require physical strength, they do require mental energy in order to put in the hours required to address the issue. The motivational lift that a little anxiety can provide can be harnessed as you get to work. Your energy may also engage your teammates to help dig in.”

Now that is actually a valid point. Anxiety can often make you focus on the issue you are anxious about. This can lead to positive outcomes and a resolution to that issue. This article is short but it is absolutely worth a read because it does something that very few articles about anxiety do.

Anxiety can make your whole life a mess.

It tries to focus on potential positive outcomes of HAVNG anxiety. It’s not telling you to think differently, its telling you that while anxiety can be crippling and horrible for your health there are from time to time positive outcomes.

I’ve read many, many articles about anxiety and this is one of the few that I read a few times because I was astounded at its tone. This article is really applicable to people like myself (and maybe you) who are not on the extreme of the spectrum. It’s meant for those of us who function at a high level with anxiety and it gives specific examples of positives outcomes from anxiety.

It’s worth a read but remember, anxiety can be volatile. This isn’t a catch all solution to anxiety you should take it for what it is. A good illustration of how positive outcomes, occasionally can be had when you have anxiety.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.

Anxiety: Self Care?

So as my journey with anxiety continues I often stumble across articles that leave me somewhat baffled. You see Anxiety is now big business. Cynical? Yes, but with good reason. It’s not just the drugs or treatment facilities all of which have value it’s the media surrounding anxiety. Anxiety is often used as a cudgel to support other narratives. “Gas prices rise again, fueling anxiety fears” (that’s an actual headline from a main stream media outlet).

Sure I write about anxiety to, so I do understand that I am engaging in a bit of hypocrisy here but there are degrees. People like me who are not engaging in anxiety as a commercial enterprise (I make no money from this blog) are doing so because they are affected by the issue. Many in the media engage in the anxiety space to drive view, create more anxiety and ultimately obtain more clicks.

“That’s very cynical Karac, can you back that up?”

Maybe. I found an article here that discusses 4 types of “self-care” you can engage in when you are “feeling anxious”. To summarize they are:

  1. Say to yourself “There is no emergency right now”
  2. “Perspective talking”, as explained “What would someone who is just as smart or conscientious as you, but who thinks differently than you, think about the topic of your anxiety?”
  3. “Engage with one of your core values, unrelated to the topic of your anxiety”
  4. “Take a break from trying to avoid or escape feeling anxious”

Now the article elaborates on each point but the short version is, think differently. I mean, really? This is clearly someone who doesn’t understand what anxiety is. The entire fight for those of us who have it is preventative. We want to stop anxiety attacks and giving us more reactive advice that basically boils down to “think about something else” is ridiculous. Like we hadn’t tried that before…

Oscar Wilde
Any more spectacular advice?

I realize I am entering into the ranting phase here but if you have had an anxiety attack at any point in your life, even mild anxiety attacks you know that you Can’t simply change what you are thinking about. I mean you could in theory… Next time you are anxious about getting on an elevator because you have a phobia, try head butting a wall 5 times, you’ll forget about the elevator soon enough.

These articles aren’t helpful anymore no matter how well intentioned. What do I do PRIOR to an anxiety attack so I don’t ever have to be there? Give me tools to combat anxiety before and after an attack occurs. I get it, I need to think of something else when I am in the throes of an anxiety attack. I’ve seen the article a THOUSAND TIMES. What can you do to combat anxiety BEFORE an attack?

Here are 3 things, I covered these before on this blog:

  1. Get more sleep
  2. Create structure “At 11:30 AM I will begin to prepare my lunch”
  3. See a Dr, get medicine and stick to it if prescribed
  4. Exercise more

These are things that PREVENT anxiety attacks. Look it, many of us in this space are writing pieces that are redundant, we’ve said a lot of these things before I get it. If you can “change what you’re thinking about” then you’ve already defeated anxiety, essentially. These articles aren’t without value, there are often some pearls of wisdom within but the overall message of “change how you think” is bordering on absurd at this point.

Thanks for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.

Dressing to feel good !

How to be a better man – Relationships and a harsh reality

Another post in my better man series. These posts are meant to help heterosexual men of all ages and are not meant to offend to speak to other genders and sexual orientations. This is one older guy sharing his wisdom with men of a similar mind. I am not a MGTOW blog, I do not have a bias towards one group or another, I post what I know and what I have seen based on my experience.

Disclaimer out of the way, there are some harsh realities heterosexual men have to deal with. In the current social construct in the western world, we are near, if not at the bottom. Your place among the bottom varies depending on your racial composition but for the most part it seems society thinks the least of you, and expects the most from you. This wasn’t always the case mind you, go take a look at say 1950’s America you were the top of the food chain.

So with this comes certain realities and one thing stands out as having the potential to be catastrophic to your life and that is relationships. It’s not just romantic relationships with women, it’s ANY RELATIONSHIP. One word from anyone can result in horrible outcomes. From someone at work calling your toxic, a cousin saying your racist or a neighbor who doesn’t agree with how you raise a child. As a heterosexual male the outcomes usually lead to more negative results then other group.

Am I contagious?
The longer you deny social realities, the longer you will remain confused and isolated.

You’ve heard the saying before “you can’t trust anyone” well guess what? That’s never been more true than it is now. What’s harder to replace? A career you worked at for 10 years or a casual friend you joke around with once a week getting coffee in the café? One wrong comment to that person can result in careers being over. Think I am exaggerating? Google is your friend. That neighbor who waves every morning? Want to bet they have social media? (twitter, FB, Tick Tock). What if they say something about you letting your dog run lose? (even if you don’t).

The harsh reality is as a heterosexual man in 2022 every relationship you have has to be looked at critically. You’re an easy target, low hanging fruit. I will give you a personal example. My daughter has a large group of friends, we had a party a few months ago. Hamburgers, hot dogs all the normal “cook out” fare you would expect. One of her friends was unhappy with the protein we provided at the party. There were plenty of vegan and vegetarian dishes there but that wasn’t enough. To the point where this “friend” posted pics of this “disgusting American tradition” on her social media.

There was little to no impact to me or my family, this wasn’t a disaster. But it could have been. Now granted that had little to nothing to do with me being a white heterosexual male but the point is one small thing can lead to larger and larger outcomes. What if some nut on the internet saw this and decided to visit us to explain how horrible we were for cooking hamburgers at a cook out? Think that’s a stretch? It isn’t things like that happen often actually, its just different degrees. The point here is even your most harmless actions can be open season on you. Be very careful who is in your life, even on the periphery.

The more people in your life, the more exposure you have. I’m not saying shut down but just be more cautious. Relationships, even ones abstract through others in your life (your girlfriends, brother’s, wife as an example) can lead to issues. Really listen to people in your life, understand who they are as best you can and the minute something begins to go toxic, cut them out and move on. The risk is no longer worth the reward. Harsh? Yes, but if you aren’t looking out for your interests, who is?

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.

Content on this blog – Anxiety pieces                      

So I wanted to do a quick update on some of the content I do on this blog. If you have been here for a while you know that when this blog started I focused a lot on Anxiety issues. I have anxiety and invasive thoughts and I was compelled to put those issues to prose. Over the last few years my personal situation/relationship with anxiety has improved. To the point where It no longer pervades every aspect of my life, every day.

I am blessed, and while I have worked hard on it, including the cathartic process of writing this blog I am still haunted with anxiety from time to time. So this is the reason why there are less anxiety posts in 2022 than in prior years. There will always be a portion of this blog dedicated to anxiety and anxiety issues and as winter begins to approach it’s likely that portion will increase because that is when I feel it most.

Surviving 2020 & covid
Anxiety Sucks

My journey with anxiety is currently on a positive track. I understand many of my readers that is not the case. I have not, and will not forget about you. Anxiety is real and it is devastating to millions of people all over the world. I hope on this blog you find a little bit of solace for it. You will always have a safe place here, I will always be an advocate for anxiety and the resulting issues.

I hope your anxiety journey has more calm waters then stormy seas. I am currently in a calm period and it’s been a great string of a few months’ despite having some serious challenges. I will continue to serve the community I have created here, you will see anxiety pieces on the blog and I sincerely hope they help you on your journey.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.

Dressing to feel good !

How to be a better man – 5 things you don’t do on the cheap

Today we have another post in my how to be a better man series. As a quick reminder this post and the series is from a heterosexual males’ point of view. These tips may or may not be applicable to other orientations. I don’t know, and I don’t assume. The best resource for men to survive, improve and flourish is other men. I hope this post helps.

So there are things men should never do on the cheap. Meaning you spend a little extra to get the best result possible. The areas below are things you should be going the extra mile for. These help with style, attraction, self-confidence and perception. A man who pays attention to detail conveys to the world they have their shit together, you want to be one of those men.

  1. Face & Hair care – I haven’t mentioned this before but you need a skin routine. This should start in your 20’s but a few times a week you should be using a scrub on your face to cleanse dead skin. You should be moisturizing your skin as well at least before bed time but ideally twice a day. Do your research get good organic products, your 40-year-old self will thank you. For your hair you should be conditioning your hair not shampooing it. Shampoo is a soap that strips your hair, you want to clean your hair and make it healthy. Invest in a good conditioner and work your scalp and your hair with it and leave it on for the duration of the shower. We want healthy hair and that partially comes from conditioner.
  2. Shoes & Belts – Unless you are a collector you don’t need a lot of shoes or belts. Both are great items that help outfits. You always go quality of quantity here. Always have a pair of black dress shoes and a black belt with simple buckle. These can be universally worn anywhere really. Take care of these items with shoe polish and don’t roll up your belts, when you take them off hang them up on a hook so you don’t get a crease.
  3. Gifts – Always buy 1 great gift instead of many little/cheap gifts. Here is the thing, when you give someone a gift it should be meaningful. Getting something they want is ideal but never skimp or do it on the cheap. If someone wants a really nice water bottle for their yoga class? You buy the high end bottle. Gifts are more than an acknowledgement of an achievement it’s a way to show someone you care by being thoughtful and giving them quality over quantity.
  4. Teeth – The eyes may be the window into the soul but teeth are the gateway to authenticity. You speak, people listen. What you say and how you say it is important. People watch you when you are talking, when you smile. Great teeth are disarming, engaging and in some cases a means to generate attraction. Get your teeth cleaned at least twice a year.
  5. Watches, Rings, Necklaces & Bracelets – These are jewelry pieces and not all men wear them. Some wear them all, to each their own. Quantity sometimes enhances a look but now a days less men wear watches and even few bracelets. Make sure your jewelry pieces have meaning that you can articulate. Maybe you bought it abroad, maybe it belonged to a deceased family member. Otherwise they are decorations to enhance your presentation. Make sure these are quality pieces and use them sparingly.

The basic message here is spend a little extra and get the upgrade in these items. These shouldn’t bust your budget but quality is always the way to go if you can swing it. In doing so you help your self-esteem, raise your confidence, generally feel better about yourself resulting in you being a better man.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.

Ben Franklin

Wisdom from the past – Ben Franklin

“Lost time is never found again” – Ben Franklin

It’s time for another short post on wisdom and time. When you engage in activities that you otherwise wouldn’t if you had the choice you are losing time. Now the premise is “you don’t have a choice” and often that is the case. The goal here is, is to start working on the ability to HAVE the choice. This can be working on exiting from a toxic relationship.

This can be recognizing a bad habit and working on fixing it. This can be resigning from a job you hate, on and on. The important thing to strive for is maximizing the time you do have with things you want to do or enjoy. We all have things we would rather not be doing (like cleaning as an example) but working towards a life with less and less of those is paramount.

Time is the universal currency. It doesn’t care your about your gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, political affiliation, none of it. So to decrease your anxiety and increase your happiness figure out what you like to do and what you don’t like to do and stop losing time, you will never get it back, it will never be found again.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.

How to be a better man – The real secret (are you a beta, alpha or????? )

What label have you accepted? I bet you’re loathe to say you are a beta aren’t you? Maybe you are walking around telling everyone you are an Alpha male, which obviously that’s what Alpha males do….. Maybe you are an Omega? A Gamma? A label allows you to be classified simply, marketed too, sorted out and identified. These labels/titles are social constructs created by others to better identify your behaviors so you can be categorized.

You can try and identify these labels and emulate them. Who knows, maybe in your mind you will achieve the ideal for one of these labels. Maybe you will truly become an ALPHA MALE!!!! Make sure you tell everyone. Maybe, just maybe you can be yourself. You know some days you might be completely alpha some days you might be beta and everywhere in between.

It’s kind of like politics, are you 100% one way? Do you maybe believe that a woman has a right to determine what happens with her body but on the other hand don’t think government should be involved in financing social programs? Life isn’t black and white and neither is being a man. So what does all this mean? You see there has been a schism in the social order that governed society for thousands of years. Traditional male and female roles have converged and diverged and as a result you have to find where your place is on your own terms.

That place is where you want it. See we are at a place in the social construct of complete freedom for men. It’s fantastic that women have become liberated, they can be politicians, anything. Let them go fight wars now. Take out the trash? They can do that. Change the oil in the car? Go for It. The freedom of women and their liberation is the best thing to happen to men in a long, long time. You never have to accept inequality again. You see it works both ways, well it should but there are many out there who want their cake and eat it too.

A thick skin makes you stronger then 99% of “Alpha Males”

Don’t allow that anymore. You decide who you are. You want a label great, don’t want one that’s cool too. Always demand equality and if you don’t get it you need to remove those people from your life ASAP. It’s okay to like whatever you like. Paint your nails, wear dresses, put on makeup…. Or grow a beard, swill beer, swear. Everything is wide open now. Pick whatever label you want and within it create the name YOU want it to be.

If members of the opposite sex don’t like it and want you to change, move on from them. Because here is the real secret and it’s the one that has scared the shit out of men and women alike. You don’t need a woman to be happy, a woman doesn’t need a man to be happy. The catch is most men from a young age are conditioned not to expect emotional support or to be needed. Girls are protected far more, there are 1-800 numbers for any issue a woman might have, seen one for men lately? Women in western culture are placed in a different light from a young age, and with that comes unfair expectations on them I concede that. For a man? Expectations have never been lower. Not the bread winner? That’s acceptable. Dad bod and not athletic? That’s acceptable. On and on…

This is your chance, you can now be whatever you want however you want to frame it. Western society has created an equality narrative, and with it comes good and bad outcomes. Most of the negative outcomes here are for females, they now have even higher expectations placed on them than ever before where their male counterparts have been reduced. The phrase “careful what you wish for” comes to mind but equality of opportunity doesn’t always translate to equality of outcomes.

Social expectations and thousands of years of an accepted social construct don’t evaporate overnight. Women will still be judged on their appearance (by other women often), their ability to run a house, be a mother and now their ability to earn an income and excel professionally. They have all the pressure. Men are not held in high regard at all. This is great for you if you are a man, you now have more freedom than ever before. Relieved of the burdens of expectations you can build the life and strength you want and genuinely attract those who like you for who you are, not who they expect you to be or some arbitrary title.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Want to see another post like this one? Click here.