How to be a better man – How to handle Infidelity

Posted on by Karac Avalron

All right folks another Wednesday another post. This is a repost of a one I made a few years ago. This issue recently presented itself to one of my wife’s close friends, her husband cheated. Now the post below was written for hetro sexual men, but I think it applies to anyone. The advice we gave our friend (yes she asked) was to talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Now there are nuances to every situation, I’m not going to get into the detail of the one referenced above but if something like this happens to you maybe this post will help.

Infidelity of course is one of if not the most damaging things that can happen in a relationship. This post is meant to help hetro sexual men. That is the perspective I see things from. I can’t stress enough that this may, or may not be applicable to others, I simply don’t know I don’t have that perspective. Let me say right off the bat I have been cheated on, thankfully not by my spouse but in another relationship many years ago.

First let me say, regardless if you are male, female or whatever sexuality you are cheating is bad. It hurts people, people that at some level you care about. It’s a selfish act and the best thing to do is if you are cheating and or thinking about it is to come clean to the person you are cheating on. It will be a hard conversation but at the end of the day you will have given them the respect they deserve. In addition to that you will be able to have self-respect which for many cheaters is the Achilles heel of the whole affair.

So how to be a better man? Well first the above, you don’t cheat. It’s okay to think of other women and desire them, that’s normal. Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t understand how men think. It’s one thing to think it, it’s another to act on it. If you are actively cheating or planning to cheat stop, think about the other person. It’s going to hurt them a lot more if you cheat and they find out, work out the issue or end the relationship. They deserve it.

The harder question is what do you do if YOU have been cheated on. For men this is a complex emotional issue. I am going to make it as simple as I can for you. This approach will be very hard but it is the quickest most direct route to the finish line. The approach is simple; you end the relationship. No if’s, no counseling, no red pilling, no gas lighting none of it. This is harsh and unforgiving I realize that, forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to continue on.

Respect is a two way street

So the issue to “working through it” is you will never get this out of your mind. IT will eat away at you. Decades later you will still think about it. For a man, sex is a gift given by a woman. Something special that only he gets to enjoy. At least that’s what many, many men think and once that gift is gone the light never shines as brightly again. There may be kids involved, there may be family issues, money, property on and on. I can’t get into every subtlety here but as a general observation I have found that men who are cheated on become happier when they exercise themselves from the person who cheated.

Is that person evil? Probably not. Should they be punished for the rest of their lives? No. Everyone should move on. Ideally it is an amicable split. No cops, no fighting, no screaming. You can’t stay with someone who cheats on you and ever build the trust needed for a successful long term relationship. Same goes for women too, let’s be clear here. Women should move on as well, no one should tolerate infidelity.

How you move on largely depends on how intertwined other aspects of your life was with this person. Shared finances, children, friends etc. all play a large roll in how you extract yourself from this relationship. The minute you find out about infidelity you have to start planning a life without this person. It may take a while to execute but in the end you will be happier. I can’t stress enough the long term damage you will suffer if you attempt to “work through it”.

You will hear all sorts of narratives about what men should do. Gas lighting is very common in today’s social construct. It’s going to be a hard road and it makes the pain of this betrayal that much worse. How you get through this is you imagine your life 1-3 years removed from it. Some women will do anything to keep you. They made a mistake and how they own it is often via tears, victimization, and promising everything they think you want to keep you.

Ask yourself this, why weren’t those things already given or promised before this? Don’t be fooled here, you have to move on. There are plenty of good loyal women out there who will cherish you, if you cherish them. Don’t settle for infidelity and don’t cheat. Seek out someone who respects you, someone who would tell you first they are thinking about cheating (she’s a keeper).  Always be respectful toward women, treat them with kindness and dignity but never accept infidelity and never stay with a cheater.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Please remember to like the post, subscribe if you are not and leave a comment so I know you were here.

Karac  

Haiku’s – From time to time I write them

Posted on by Karac Avalron

Okay folks another Wednesday another blog post. Today I am going to torture you all with one of my Haiku’s. I’ve written many over the years but its recently become a more active hobby for me. I’m not sure why, perhaps as I age I wax more poetic I don’t know. Today’s Haiku is for those of you who suffer from anxiety.

I wrote this one at the end of a bad day. That day I had conflict with a 3rd party. Without going into a lot of detail, there was shouting, hostility, anger. It was not a good day and I didn’t put forth my best self. Now to be clear, someone was yelling at me something about my choice of proximity to their vehicle I parked. I engaged, and returned the hostility. It resolved uneventfully but it affected me the rest of the day. This Haiku was the end result.

The Daily Fight

I woke up again

Battle engaged, hope is high

Victory lost, tomorrow renews

“Victory Lost” was the operative phrase here as I achieved a moral victory (I was in the right in this particular dispute) but the fact that it consumed me for the rest of the day and provided me with negative thoughts, anxiety and just a bad feeling. I think this happens to a lot of us at some point…. I hope you enjoyed the poem, let me know what you think in a comment below.

Karac

The World War III Hoax

Posted on by Karac Avalron

Alright folks, another Wednesday another blog post. Today we are going to talk about fear, specifically the fear of global conflict. In my 54 years on this planet, I have heard the term “WWIII” many, many times. All in the context of our pending doom. Believe me if you lived in 1982, you never would have thought that you were going to make it to 2024, but here we are.

Dependent on how long you have been alive you have heard the beat of this drum multiple times. It is meant to alarm you, draw you in, captivate you. It is the drums of war. Israel is at war with Palestine, Iran is firing rockets, Israel is retaliating. Ukraine war rages on, North Korea (remember them) is actively testing rockets again.

So, the drums begin. The media are the one who will push the narrative and hammer the drums. War is good for business, it pulls people in, you can sell commercials. Cynical? Maybe, but even those without anxiety can be overcome by it with notions of war. War is bad, make no mistake about it. For every “bad guy” that is killed how much collateral damage is done and innocent lives lost?

Just because they say what you want to hear, doesn’t mean it’s in your best interest

What I do know is I have lived through this many times in my life. The media beats the drum, the government prepares and puffs its chest. Pictures appear on the news of airplanes taking off from carriers, missiles launching, soldiers marching. You can expect more of this in the coming weeks. I’ve seen this before and it normally doesn’t end well. Minimally nothing happens, except for the drums beating in your ears. Worst case scenario, there is a war and people die.

You will see this, you will be affected by it and as someone with anxiety myself I have only one good piece of advice. Turn your screens off. I know, you consume a lot of screens, so do I. An I-phone, a laptop for work, a home PC, a TV, a desk top at work. I have 5 screens in my life, and I watch them a lot. One of the hardest things to do is to shut them off.

It is a full proof method to cleansing yourself from the drumbeat. The drumbeat is meant to affect you, they want to pull you in, they want you to be scared so you turn on the screen and watch the news. You will do it, but to what degree? It’s like a pending snowstorm, they start days before hand…. The night before you and your family are in a frenzy and, well, it snows. It’s anti-climactic and you survive, and you move on.

The march to war can trigger your anxiety. All sorts of thoughts can invade you when images of war are flashed in front of your eyes. If you feel like you are being pulled in, please, turn the screen off.   

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Please remember to like the post, subscribe if you are not and leave a comment so I know you were here.

Karac  

Employment secrets your company will never tell you, but I will

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So, another Wednesday another blog post. On this one we are going to look at employment from the corporate point of view. Now it’s been a minute since I was a manager in a company and did hiring and firing, I concede that. However, observing current practices and having colleagues who are still managers I can say not a lot has changed from a people management perspective. But you’re here for the click bait title, what’s the secret?

It costs more to retain talent than to obtain new talent.

Now that is probably going to run counter to what you have heard. “Onboarding costs a lot of money and effort” it does, I don’t dispute that. The simple answer is retaining talent, or not putting resources into retaining talent results in the need to onboard. So, there is your complete circle, retention, or lack there of directly results in the need to hire new people which costs more.

So, the costs associated with retaining people are not exclusive to money although that is a significant component. The costs are indirect costs associated with managers investing time into employee’s development and well-being. That time spent by management is part of the retention calculation and it adds up pretty fast. Many companies devolve work into transactional relationships. You do “X” tasks, you get “X” amount of money.

They hired you, because they need you.

So, let’s do a quick summary of best practices to keep an employee:

  1. Raises
  2. Training and professional development
  3. Benefits
  4. Connection to company and management (Time investment)

These things are just a few quick examples and take time and money. This doesn’t even cover the ancillary things companies do like pizza Fridays or free coffee etc. You see there is a mythology in the working world that onboarding costs are a detriment for companies hiring. It’s true it’s expensive but retaining employees is far more labor intensive, which translates into companies paying managers to manage.

You see the truth is, for good paying full-time work, more often than not there is a large pool of applicants to pull from. You don’t have to do a lot of advertising if your company has a good reputation, pays market rates and has decent benefits. You’ll have plenty of people clamoring to work there. Retaining people so you don’t have turnover? That’s the secret most companies don’t talk about. You don’t see it in earnings reports.

You don’t see it in YouTube videos, on twitter etc. The costs associated with retaining employees are very high, and it’s the secret that the most successful companies in the world master. An employee who wants to stay at your company is likely very happy or minimally content. That means good production from them, which helps the company generate income, which means higher profits, which means better salaries.

So, when you are looking for a job, salary is important but always look for corporate retention rates. A company that keeps its employees is the place you want to work.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Please remember to like the post, subscribe if you are not and leave a comment so I know you were here.

Karac  

Gandalf

The Wisdom of Tolkien …Again…

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So another Wednesday another blog post. Most of you who have been here for a while know I am a J.R.R. Tolkien fan. I’ve read the books, seen the movies, listened to the books again… Anyway I like to quote Tolkien from time to time, here’s one for you.

“It is no bad thing celebrating a simple life.”
― J.R.R Tolkien

It’s true and you should practice it more often. How many of the things that cause you anxiety are “simple”? Food, water, shelter, clothing these are good things and should be celebrated and cherished.

Commuting to work, Instagram followers, WIFI Connections these are not simple things and things like this are likely contributing a great deal to your anxiety.

I don’t know you, I won’t profess to understand the circumstances of your situation. I will say though that celebrating the simple things in life should garner more of your attention. Tolkien is correct here, a simple life is worth celebrating, a complicated life is often wrought with dread, anxiety and sometimes heartache.

All the time? No, but if you suffer from anxiety, depression and stress perhaps taking a minute to identify what a simple life means to you is a good endeavor? It may very well be that the simple things, you over look, and that’s a shame they should be celebrated.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Please remember to like the post, subscribe if you are not and leave a comment so I know you were here.

Karac  

The simple way to lose weight   

Posted on by Karac Avalron

Another Wednesday another blog post. The health and fitness industry has made billions of dollars on selling people weight loss programs, supplements and work out plans. I’m not here to tell you any of that is bad, a hoax etc. I’m also not here to profess I am some exercise guru who has all the answers. What I can tell you is since the pandemic hit in 2020 I lost and have kept off nearly 30 pounds. Now you may or may not believe that, there is no actual proof here just my claim, believe what you want.

The point of this blog post isn’t the shame anyone or give exercise advice or to go on and on about weight loss. I’m going to give you the simple way to lose weight. It is effective, will work for anyone and does not require exercise, a change of diet really just one simple change. The most effective simple way to lose weight is consume less calories then you expend. Yes, it’s that simple. No workout plan required, no special diet, no personal trainer.

Squats
Never skip leg day !

You need to count calories. If you burn 2000 a day, you need to eat LESS THAN 2000 a day to lose weight. Yes it is that simple. It is a math issue. Now the hard part is obtaining the discipline to actually eat less or exercise more to burn more calories but both of those are separate issues. Bottom line remains, if you want to lose weight you must eat less calories then you burn. Increasing your burn weight, or decreasing your calories are apart of this math equation but there are many different methods to achieve this.

It’s not complex, and remember, as cynical as this will sound, it is not in the fitness industries interest for you to actually lose weight and get in shape. If you did, what would they sell you? We don’t need to go on and on here, you need to figure out how many calories you burn a day. Get educated on how to measure it, then count calories. There are numerous apps out there that will help you count calories based on your food intake.

Of course I think you should be exercising more, eating better food (no processed food) and really focusing on your health but, again, we don’t have to make this complex. Eat less calories then you burn = how you lose weight. Start counting….

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Please remember to like the post, subscribe if you are not and leave a comment so I know you were here.

Karac  

Division is profitable

Posted on by Karac Avalron

Another Wednesday another blog post, here we go…. Its the political season again, and we are now in the next phase of Big Tech government. If you are under the illusion that one party is different from another (Democrat/Republican) then this post probably isn’t for you, you’ve drunk the Kool-Aid already. Division is profitable, it helps create tidy boxes you can check against people to help market and sell. The sinister part? Millions have taken it hook line and sinker.

Not saying the right things on social media? You’ll be cancelled. Not supporting the right candidate? Your church will shun you. It’s not just one side either, sure the loudest voices (for now) might be on one side, but what’s the end game? When you are shouting down, cancelling, harassing, attacking those who don’t adhere to your doctrine, what is your goal?

In my decades on the internet, and decades in life I have never once changed someone’s mind politically and I have never seen someone else do it either. So that can’t be goal, do you want these people dead? Do you want them to suffer? You aren’t going to change their political views or their personal beliefs so why do it? Do you feel empowered?

The louder you shout, the less I hear

The above is the sinister part eluded to in the first paragraph. You see what you achieve is labeling. When you label it then creates the conditions by which the person labeled has nowhere else to go. You’ve now made an enemy for life essentially, and this person, wounded, will always look to work against your interest. What a great environment to sell product.

All I have to do is create narratives that fit side A or side B and PRESTO! I have a willing consumer base. Where else are you going to go? Side C is small, there are only a few of us, you can’t go back to the other side (A or B) so you roll with the side that isn’t attacking you. Politics and political ideology isn’t out there to help you, it’s out there to govern you.

Do you know what govern means? You do understand it is meant to make you compliant to the will of others, even the vocal minority. If instead of being an attack dog for whatever side has taken you in, you chose instead to stop the assault your quality of life may improve. All this time you have spent throwing yourself against the ideology of those who disagree with you is wasted, you will never get it back.

They are not going to change how they feel, particularly since you’ve put their backs against a wall are holding a knife of cancellation against their throat. You can’t win, and what’s worse is, and I don’t think you fully understand this, you’ve created an enemy for life. Life has a funny way of coming full circle, I’ve seen it so many times in many other venues. It may be that sometime in the future, you’re the one being cancelled.

Division is profitable, who gains by all of this?

Thanks again for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it.

Karac

Employers will lie to you

Posted on by Karac Avalron

So here we are its Wednesday so lets do another blog post. The title of todays post is a little bit of click bait but its accurate. Employers will lie to you. Now the question really is when are they lying to me? The answer, sadly is up front at the interview. So I am going to let you in on a little secret, one you probably know but haven’t considered. When you interview for a job both parties normally lie about some aspect of themselves, their skills or the work.

This isn’t indicative of you or they being bad people it is of course human nature. You likely want to convey to the employer your excitement and qualifications for the job. Its likely that some of it is embellished which, lets be candid, is a diplomatic way of saying it’s a lie. The same goes for the employer they want to present to you this wonderful opportunity, with a wonderful company. How many of us have heard this and gotten into a role and realized most of it was not what was advertised?

I am no longer a manager, I do not hire or fire people in my current role. So while I cant speak with first hand knowledge of what is happening now I can give you an example of what happened in 2017 before covid. At that time I was a hiring manager, I had a great candidate for a role that would have been a great fit for everyone. I liked her presentation, the title and work I had for her would be good for her resume, it was a good fit.

The company I worked for at the time had some poor reviews and a less then great rating on a few websites that track that sort of thing. Not mentioning any names but one of them might rhyme with door… anyway as managers who do interviews I was the 2nd person she met with, HR always goes in first. So she is waiting for me and HR tells me “she asked about the (blank) reviews, tell her that it was just one or two former employees”.

If your Bosses desk looks like this, you’re screwed

That was a lie, it was several employees but as you know, online you can create multiple profiles etc. Now this wasn’t a bad company but it wasn’t great either they had issues. For my part I just needed people who could manage debits and credits and handle the GL, it was accounting there wasn’t a lot of B.S. in this dept. other departments did have issues though. So this candidate asked me and I told her exactly what HR told me to tell her.

Now for her I asked her about her experience, she had done a lot of AP. She told me that she did AP posting and preformed several GL reconciliations to “help out” the accountants at her prior role. Of course that might be true, but she didn’t list it on her resume she offered it when I asked if she had any experience in that aspect of the job. Its likely, she lied to me. It didn’t matter, I could tell by meeting her she was intelligent and could learn it but that isn’t the point of this post.

The point is employers will lie to you. They are advertising a job because they need someone to come in and do work they don’t want to do. Of course they are going to make it sound as good as possible, even if it sucks. You have to be armed with this information and understand that most jobs you get these days there is often a gray area between what was advertised and what you expected.

Nearly every company does this so it is really up to you to be crystal clear what you want out of a role and assume going in, what they are telling you it is, its likely different. This is why for me I always asked for top money because I knew I was going to end up doing something I didn’t want to do anyway. Most companies, if they really want you in a role or see you as a value add they will negotiate the salary.

Always remember to get in writing before starting a role what the pay is going to be. They may have lied about what you will be doing, but an offer letter is a promise of a contract and in most states it’s a binding agreement unless something extraordinary happens.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Please remember to like the post, subscribe if you are not and leave a comment so I know you were here.

Karac  

How Anxiety can affect you in unexpected ways

Posted on by Karac Avalron

Another Wednesday another blog post…. Most anxiety triggers evolve into a physical manifestation or a noticeable psychological response. You sweat, you are worried, your heart races…. If you have anxiety chances are you have experienced one or all of those symptoms. There are long term effects to anxiety that can impact you in unexpected ways. You might be having one of these struggles at a moment when you are not in the throes of anxiety. However repeated bouts of anxiety effect ones cognitive ability, to varying degrees.

Anxiety can affect your memory. Anxiety impacts your ability to focus and that can have a deteriting effect on your ability to consolidate memories and hinder recall. This isn’t to say that it’s a prelude to a deeper psychological condition or detriation of your memory but lack of focus can impact quick queues you need for memory. A classic example of this is remembering someone’s name. Do you get anxious meeting new people? Do you have trouble remembering new  people’s names? I sure do.

Anxiety can harm your self-esteem. Having anxiety means you are acutely aware of how you feel and because of our social construct you are aware that it’s not excepted as normal. This can begin to erode away your self-esteem and cause you to exhibit withdraw like symptoms such as changing how you dress, where you look when you are in a crowd and the tone of your voice when speaking to others. These are often subtle but real. Next time you are in a crowd of people, be aware of where your eyes are. Are you looking at the ground? Or are you engaging people head up with eye contact?

Having anxiety can be one heck of a struggle

Anxiety can impact your immune system. The more you worry the more you nervous system demands resources from your body to accommodate your mind. When something negative happens in your life do you a day or two later end up with the sniffles? This is pretty common actually, the brain demands a lot from your body and this is why it is so important to get enough sleep and eat well. Your immune system can be over taxed very easily, there are germs everywhere and if you’re worried you are sending your immune system into battle with one hand tied behind its back.  

Anxiety could cause you to have a “break out”. Now this is often exclusive to younger people, however from time to time even those of us well into our adult lives get acne. Worry and anxiety can tax your immune system and one of the results of this can be a break out of acne. I remember when I was a teenager WAY BACK in the dark days of the 80’s 🙂 we had all sorts of acne medicine you could by over the counter. I used to get break outs from time to time and upon reflection it was often when I was anxious. That anxiety was a neurological trigger for me that pumped out hormones and as a result I had break outs creating EVEN MORE anxiety.

Anxiety sucks, it’s not cut and dry as to how it affects you and what your triggers are. Just remember no matter how bad it gets, or how crappy you feel, there are millions of us out there who have it. You aren’t alone.

Thank you for coming by and supporting my blog I really appreciate it. Please remember to like the post, subscribe if you are not and leave a comment so I know you were here.

Karac